a mom thing

I always wanted to be a mother. I felt like I had a lot of love to give. I dreamed about being a nurturer, a counselor, a comforter. Back then it all sounded so perfect: baking brownies, coloring with crayons, putting on band-aids. In many ways it has been perfect, being in moments that you know you will never forget. I have all those great memories stored up in my heart for the day when my children fly away with dreams of their own.

I'm not sure I want to hang on to the memories of this week! Both of my children have had a stomach virus. Stephen was first. He threw up or dry heaved every half hour for 12 hours. So every half hour I held the trash can, wiped his mouth, and listened to him suffer. In between times, even at 4 in the morning, he talked about his ideas on why people get sick and how he wishes there were "no such thing as getting sick anywhere". He was so miserable, and I was so tired.

Last night I woke to a terrible sound and found Jane over the toilet. She apologized for getting some on the floor. So we did what we always do: cover the couch with a sheet, get her pillow and pink bear, get the footstool and the trash can and a wet washcloth. And here we've been for the past five hours. I just finished explaining to her (when she apologized again) that I've already cleaned up the bathroom and it didn't bother me at all. She is so sad to be sick, and to Jane there's nothing worse than throw-up.

I wish I didn't have to remember these times, the hours of pain, the moans and groans, and the tears. But it's part of life. I know that they will remember these times, and I hope they remember I was with them every minute. Where else would I be? They are my children, my children.

My dreams came true.

Inheritance

I inherited my love for Scrabble from my grandmother. I gravitate toward the mall because of my mom. I learned to cheat at Monopoly, climb trees, and play Star Wars from my brothers.

I inherited heaven-mindedness from my dad. I grew up knowing that I wasn't home yet, that something wonderful was coming. I've imagined what it must be like to live in absolute peace. And while I confess that my longing for heaven has often been selfish, I really have longed to just sit at God's feet and feel that absolute adoration that a young child can have for a parent.

But in the last two years, my assurance of what heaven will be has been challenged. I went through my first real crisis of belief about the reality of heaven, among other things. I was in the dark long enough to believe that there might not be any perfect peace, ever. I never really stopping believing it was there, but it didn't stir my heart anymore. I prayed and searched and asked God to let me feel that longing again.

I love the way He is...

Yesterday as we closed worship I lifted my face as high as I could, held out hands of invitation, and sang at the top of my lungs. My heart soared and I felt as if the roof would come off the building and we would all be lifted up to heaven.

So now I am inheriting heaven-heartedness from my Father.

And can it be that I should gain
An interest in the Savior’s blood?
Died He for me, who caused His pain—
For me, who Him to death pursued?
Amazing love! How can it be,
That Thou, my God, shouldst die for me?

He left His Father’s throne above
So free, so infinite His grace—
Emptied Himself of all but love,
And bled for Adam’s helpless race:
’Tis mercy all, immense and free,
For O my God, it found out me!

Long my imprisoned spirit lay,
Fast bound in sin and nature’s night;
Thine eye diffused a quickening ray—
I woke, the dungeon flamed with light;
My chains fell off, my heart was free,
I rose, went forth, and followed Thee.

No condemnation now I dread;
Jesus, and all in Him, is mine;
Alive in Him, my living Head,
And clothed in righteousness divine,
Bold I approach th’eternal throne,
And claim the crown, through Christ my own.

Amazing love! How can it be,That Thou, my God, shouldst die for me?

Thumbs Up? Thumbs Down?

Anyone noticed my movie reviews to the right? Check it out.

And yes, I go to the movies a lot. But I live five minutes from a theater and they frequently give me free concessions and movie tickets thanks to my Regal Crown Club card.

Besides, it's cheaper than going shopping.

yaaawwnnn...

I'm getting sleepy...very sleepy!

Mission Possible

Well, the cub scout family campout is over. Stephen was actually too delirious to miss Clifford much, and he was definitely on a mission to fit in and be a big man. Mission accomplished.

O-M-G!!

Stephen is NOT taking Clifford on the campout this weekend. Says he doesn't want to be embarrassed (even though we'll be sleeping in our own family tent). I'll let you know how he holds up...

(If you do not understand the enormity of this choice, you need to get to know Stephen!) :)

Thanks, Clive

Not sure if you've noticed, but I replaced my Jane Austen quotes with C.S. Lewis quotes. This one is very reassuring for aspiring writers and artists...for me, anyway.

Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it.

Doing well...

Well, as I stated before, it's not an exact science. My forecast was a little off, partially due to every woman's least favorite monthly visitor. Monday night a major headache started, and it is still lingering. I call it my "headband" headache because it hurts all the way across the top of my head. Tuesday was okay, just was a zombie by 5:30. Wednesday was really good, and today was just fine. And now I'm getting ready to spend the whole weekend with our Cub Scouts, which I'm pretty sure will not help the headache :)

The sweet/sad thing is that Stephen didn't even realize I would be going on this Family Campout until yesterday. I didn't go last year because I was in rough shape, and I guess he assumed I wouldn't go again this year. So when I starting saying "we" and "us" yesterday, he said "Mom, are you going??" Yep. "Yessss!! My whole family is going on the family campout! Me, mom, dad, and Jane. This is gonna be awe-some!" I was torn between feeling like a disappointment and loving how much my presence added to his pleasure.

So, all in all, I am even more at peace about the changes we've made. God is helping us put life back in order, and I'm more optimistic about life than I've been in a while.

Hopefully I'll be blogging about better and brighter things soon!

How's the Weather Down There?

As predicted, I'm more stable and energetic than last week. We've learned the patterns that come when I change anything with meds. A couple of really great energetic days, then a couple of lower days, then we get to see what the real products of the changes are.

So, since I'm in the energetic part, it was no surprise that I literally jumped out of bed to clean up Stephen's bedroom this morning or that Jane is now a couple of weeks ahead in her drama class preparations. We even scoured the kitchen cabinets for those box tops for education labels for our tutorial - a project that would normally fall off the bottom of the list.

But it's not an exact science. Yesterday I slept 'til noon, then went to a movie with Jen, then to church. I was very relaxed and even did some teaching prep after the kids went to bed. But somewhere in the middle of searching the internet and watching pieces of Brothers and Sisters, the pain in my chest started to swell. So I went to Chris, who was on the couch relishing the final moments of Sunday football, and said "I think I need to cry." So he made room for me to rest on that part of his chest that is mine and waited. Only two tears came, and then I was ready to sleep. And I slept hard.

So what's next? Here's the five day forecast:
Monday evening - mostly sunny, comfortable temperatures
Tuesday - slightly warmer, some passing clouds
Wednesday - chance of thunderstorms, some rain, hot and humid
Thursday - the wet weather rolls in, keep your umbrella handy
Friday - things should clear up as we start to see the clouds move out , normal temp for this time of year

That's my attempt to be light-hearted about it all. The peace comes in knowing that God is either really good for letting us in on how this usually works or He is really sweet for letting this be easier than we expect or He is really wise for giving us another hard lesson to learn.

As my homies used to say...it's all good.

No Deal

Well, I guess I gave it a shot.

Tomorrow I have to increase my antidepressant dosage back to where it was before August.

Been in bed, in my pajamas, or in my own little world since Monday. I've accomplished very little since the bottom fell out. My entire list of accomplishments this week includes the laundry run, heating lunch for the kids twice, throwing together a pitiful lesson for my class at tutorial, showing up at c'group, taking a twenty minute walk, and about an hour's worth of schooling. The rest of it is all naps, tv shows, potato chips, and tears.

It could totally be worse. I haven't had any of those dangerous thoughts or locked myself away in the dark. I've just been flat.

I hoped I would upswing naturally, but I haven't. I've prayed about it, and thankfully the Lord has set aside any pride about this and given me peace that there's really nothing wrong with taking this step back for now.

So that's that.

Lessons Learned at the Laundromat:

1. It takes only 2 1/2 hours to do 15 loads of laundry at the laundromat.
2. Black garbage bags work well when you don't have a zillion laundry baskets.
3. Save your back, have the kids unload!
4. While the kids unload the van, start washin'. The first load will be ready to go to the dryer by the time the last load hits the wash.
5. Always bring the Ipod with Charlie Brown reruns downloaded. Makes for a peaceful start.
6. When it's time to dry, check to see if the quarter slot is covered with tape before putting your clothes in.
7. Dry two loads together.
8. Nine year olds think the laundromat is cool; therefore, they are excellent helpers.
9. Seven year olds watch the dryer saying, "There goes the Little Mermaid washcloth!" and "I think I'm gonna be sick!"
10. When doing mass amounts of laundry, don't bring a magazine. You won't have time to read it.
11. The hum of dryers may actually help children focus on their math homework.
12. The laundromat drink machine is out of everything except purple Gatorade.
13. It's worth the embarrassment of walking in and out with fifteen loads of laundry to come home to an empty laundry room.

*This post is dedicated to my sweet friends who never believe me when I say my house is a disaster. Thanks for your naivety!*