my other Jane...

So there's Jane, my daughter, and there's Jane, my grandmother.

But did you know there was another Jane in my life?

Last night I finally reached my goal of reading all Jane Austen's novels. I had read Sense and Sensibility and Pride and Prejudice before. This summer I read the other four: Emma, Mansfield Park, Persuasion, and Northanger Abbey. I loved them all. They have all the similarities of setting and period, and even quite a few repetitious names. But they are so different! Some started slow, some ended rather flat, some were downright comical!

To celebrate this journey, I have added a "Jane Austen quotes" application to my blog. So check in daily to see the insights, wisdom, and humor of my other Jane...

Math Wars

Here's my life at 11:05 on Wednesday morning. On my left I'm repeating "how many from seven to ten? okay how many from ten to ____? so what's _____ minus seven?" On my right I'm talking through every step of triple digit multiplication for the fourteenth time today, trying not to pull my hair out. No wonder my brain hurts.


Twelve hours later...
I've just finished a highly detailed color-coded visual chart including every step of triple digit multiplication. I'm pretty sure I should send/sell it to our math curriculum company. If this doesn't help tomorrow I may go back to bed and hide under the covers until the next day.

tired...stressed...headache...overwhelmed...guilty...sad...empathetic
...busy...overloaded...rushed...crowded...chaotic...hardhearted...
angry...self-righteous...greedy...distracted...lazy...selfish...
inadequate...empty...removed...

"I AM"

the meek shall inherit the earth, so I've got nothin'

I read a great devotion this morning from I Peter 3:4 about "the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price." Thankfully the author was upfront about her own shortcomings. I came away thinking that meekness truly resides in the soul, and that I could surely muster up enough self control and serenity to get through the first day of school without totally losing it.

However...

We were one hour and fifteen minutes in when the tiny eruptions began, one right after another, in my brain. I repeated the same instruction to one child at least nine times, yet it remained undone as the seconds on my new clock ticked away. I talked through a review of last year's math slowly with the other child until they couldn't recall a simple addition fact and burst out in tears.

So here I sit, having cut the school day in half, feeling like I was just hit by an eighteen wheeler. The good news is that I only slightly raised my voice one time, the children have not complained (yet) about their new chore charts, and they are off the spend the afternoon with my dad so I can go meet our new nephew when he is born via c-section in a couple of hours.

I have about twenty hours before another day is in full swing. I know it's going to take some prayer and meditation on the Lord to acquire this thing called meekness, and I know the task will never be complete. And I bet the admission that I can't muster it up with determination and self control is the first step to getting my eyes off myself and turning them to the I AM.

Here we go!

I have no creative words right now, just lists. Done and not done.

• DONE: Went to doctor last week and decided to put the medicine reduction on "hold". This is not a bad thing! I went to a half dose successfully (we think) and have seen some positive effects, the biggest one being my increased energy.
• DONE: Folded (take a deep breath) fourteen loads of laundry that have piled up in the last three weeks. Don't misunderstand...they were clean, we were just stepping over them as they lay in the laundry room floor. My kids were instrumental in this task, and they never complained (I love them).
• NOT DONE: Dining room table, a.k.a. school table, is not clear of papers, McDonalds cups, work receipts, and the stack of books I read or meant to read this summer. SCHOOL STARTS TOMORROW, so this must be completed today!
• DONE: Took two hour nap today to recover from all the late night Olympics. Thankfully all my favorite sports are over, and my sleeplessness was not in vain. Nastia and Shawn rocked!
• NOT DONE: All preparations for the little class I will teach at the kids tutorial. The goal was to have lesson plans prepped through Christmas so that I wouldn't get stressed out along the way. I've got about five weeks planned which now has to be (cringe) good enough (one of the most difficult phrases for me to apply to myself).
• DONE: Printed, color coded, laminated, and posted chore charts, room responsibilities, bathroom checklists, hamster care reminder, and my own daily reminders. Very fun to prepare, unsure of execution.
• NOT DONE: Random acts of kindness for my husband who has seen "the beast" poke it's little head out during the medicine changes.
  
• DONE: School prep. I'm totally ready and eager to get back in the swing of things. There's always a little rush right before we start. Check back in about three weeks and you may hear a different story!

So, all in all, this is alright. I'll go clean my table off, set aside the tutorial prep notes, and kiss my husband right on the lips. Not sure why it's so cleansing to float my to do lists out on the web, but it is. 'Til next time!

a quick note...

Just a quick update for now. I'm trying not to dwell on the medicine change much, trying to just take it all in stride and do each day's tasks. Still unsure if this will be a permanent change. If I'm a mess it just may not be worth it to stop. On the other hand, the Lord has let me see that either way I need to be less reliant on medicine and more trusting in Him for the control and stability of my emotions. I can't just coast through my life and relationships thinking that a drug will curb all the extreme and impulsive feelings and thoughts, some of which are just part of my sinful nature and not necessarily due to any physical disorder. He requires and delights in my moment by moment dependence on Him to provide the on-the-spot forgiveness, the merciful and gentle spirit, the patience and Christ-like love that He calls me to give away to my family, friends, and the world. This is a lesson worth learning, even with the displeasure of nausea, a few tears, and the roller coaster of insomnia and exhaustion.
So we'll see what the next few weeks hold as our school life resumes and I try to assume more responsibilities in our home. Pray that I will not walk in a spirit of defeat, but one of victory as a redeemed child of God whose past, present, and future are secure. Pray that Chris, Jane, Stephen and I will be open to learning and accepting with open hands all that the Lord has to teach us and give us in the near future.
...you didn't really believe this would be a quick did you?