To-Do List

Help kids narrow down science fair ideas.
(We've known about this since September, now the fair is next Tuesday and we have not even started)
Put away nativity scene.
(It's the only Christmas decor left out, and though we sometimes leave it out on purpose, this was not one of those years.)
Walk on the treadmill tomorrow for 30 minutes.
(I'm so tempted to skip it...maybe I will...but I really need to move around...we'll see)
See movie with Jennifer tomorrow afternoon.
(Which is such a fluke! Do I really get to see a friend in the middle of the afternoon in the middle of the week??)
Community Group
(Don't think I've been in two or three weeks)
Plan badge work for Girl Scouts on Thursday.
(Also known about this since September, but when did we suddenly get to the end of February??)
Call Katie Jo to wish her a happy birthday.
(For I think the 13th time?? I love old friends.)
Finish cookie delivery.
(And shout for joy until January of '09 when the party starts again!)
Pay for cookies.
(Did I count all the money right and exactly how many boxes did our family eat?)
Work final cookie booth sale.
(Thank goodness it's with the Millers, it will be like a girl party!)
Prepare for next week's Bible study.
(Read four other books in preparation for discussion on the Holy Spirit.)
Say goodbye to February and hello to March.
(And watch the days of 2008 slip away...)

If God is for us, who can be against us?

ache

The ache is back. I know, I just know it won't be there in the morning. But it's here now, and it hurts. I asked Chris, "What do you do when you feel this?", and I pushed my fist into his chest...hard.
He said, "I don't feel that way."
"Really? 'Cause sometimes you look like you do."
"No, it's not like that. Everything just kind of spreads out, flat."

I don't know what that's like. Heartache has always been just that...heart ache. How do you get up, move, speak, breathe when you hurt in the core area of your body? And how do I cook, clean, love, and live while I'm just trying to be still?

Those questions only increase the pain. The guilt, the shame, the fury of it all take me deeper and deeper. The chaos spins in my head. My vision is too rapid. My thoughts are racing beyond measure. I have a yell in my chest that would go on forever if I dared to let it rise. I feel like I will explode from the pressure and fly into a million tiny pieces.

I close my eyes and try to make the world disappear. No noise, no light, no sensations. If I can stay this way long enough I'll eventually catch my breath. Then it will begin to fade...first the rapid thoughts, then a little pain, then a little chaos. The vision takes longer. As I open my eyes, the light hurts. I want whispers at first, then slowly my senses stabilize. The chaos flatlines, and my mind is numb. The ache will not stop until sleep comes, which can take minutes or hours.

I know, I just know it won't be there in the morning.

The road goes on and on...

Disclamers #2 and #3

It wasn't my intention to write so much about the kids, but they're an easy subject. A) I love them B) They are entertaining, to say the least, and C) I spend most of my life with them.

But the hope was that this would be a place for me to express some other parts of my life, which is clear if you've read earlier posts. But do you ever feel afraid to tap into those other parts? Like you don't have the energy to open the door to who you are? That's been me lately, and though I miss writing about more, sometimes it's just easier to smile and say "this is my life and that's all there is".

I should make more disclaimers here...

First, I hope no one ever hears me saying that I am dissatisfied with motherhood. It's what I waited for my whole life. I choose to spend as many hours as possible with my children because I want to and I love them. But I have plenty of opportunities to observe life with them and talk to other people about them. This is just the place I can be sarcastic and mildly rebellious about this little life of mine. So I really do appreciate every moment with my family, but I know that they are not all that I am.

Second, I know that I don't use a lot of words about God in these posts. But that does not mean that I am in any way setting Him aside. He is woven into every heartbeat of mine as I write. I couldn't think anything without His prompting, and He keeps giving me a lot to think about. If you want to see scripture then seek it out, but I see the spirit of Psalms in my open expression about the circumstances of life. I believe that He has put about a million words into my mind just today, and that they are there for a reason. So I'm going to keep writing what He lets me. I love the Lord, He hears me and sustains me. He has, He does, and He will. So while I complain and ponder and hurt, He gives me conviction and understanding and strength. So the mess of my life serves only to show what kind of God He is, because I am still here and sometimes going strong.

Note to Self

Never, ever serve popcorn as a snack while the children are doing their math. Why? Because suddenly a ten minute assignment becomes a fifty minute mouth party.

Look Mom, no poles!!!

Our Girl Scout troop went snow skiing this week at Cataloochee in Maggie Valley, NC. Jane left her fears at home and weathered ten zillion snow machines blowing in her face before mastering the bunny slopes, ski lift, and the green slope. I was the keeper of shoes and day packs, armed with first aid and cameras. Nobody knows how to have fun like a bunch of cold and delirious girls. It was truly great!

Ski Ninja

rainy days and tuesdays always get me down...

Actually, today is one of those rainy days that I would love to cozy up on the couch and just be still for an hour or two. Then maybe read a book, do some writing, and sit on the porch drinking tea. I can even imagine stepping out into the rain and letting it run down my face and hair. It all seems so refreshing. I am so rarely at peace that I want to just take it all in.

BUT...there's a to-do list waiting, a ten o'clock class at the tuturial, and a little boy with a red dog running at me.

Sometimes I wonder when life will slow down and let me do the rest of the things I love.

How many calories are in the garage?

We survived. Here are the girl scouts in action. Check out the wall of thin mints. Ignore the background of our garage, please.

cookies, please!

Complaint: As of tomorrow morning we will be up to our eyeballs in girl scout cookies. Our garage will be full while each troop family comes by throughout the day to pick up their many cases. That means next week I will spend a hundred dollars in gas and get good use out of the ipod in the car while we deliver.

Confession: I think it's fun! There's something very festive about this cookie business that only comes around once a year, like a holiday or something. And I'm excited about all Jane's friends stopping by tomorrow. I know it will be chaotic, but it's just one day.

Command: If you haven't ordered cookies from somebody by now, get on it!

So tell us, what's your favorite girl scout cookie?

Time!

It's mice's. Thanks Kev for guessing the same way I did. I even came close to just sticking an ' at the end, which wouldn't work because there's no "s".

See this is my argument for people who say they aren't smart enough to homeschool. I didn't know, I searched the web, I found a site to answer my question. And so far it hasn't happened very often.

I wonder if there's a reader friendly website for trigonometry?

quiz time

Question: What is the plural possessive of mouse?

No cheating...

All In

Now we are all in the Thompson Four-Wheeler Club. I was initiated on SuperBowl Sunday. My dear brother-in-law Matthew enjoyed throwing mud around while he did 360's in front of me...over and over again. I don't think I've ever had clumps of mud in my hair before! Jane took it slow, but quickly got in a groove. She must have gone around the back yard track fifty times. She had mud freckles all over her face. I think she's counting the days 'til she can ride again. Stephen earned the nickname "Crash" after wiping out on a turn. The bike threw him a few feet, so thankfully it didn't fall on him. So glad I didn't see it happen. I think Stephen felt pretty tough in front of all his uncles and cousins. Uncle Tim swears all the grass will grow back in his yard within two weeks, though I find that hard to believe. And if my father-in-law tells me about one more good deal on a four-wheeler I might scream. He did revive the old idea to buy a few acres of land for us to all live on together. With their sometimes redneck ways, it would be kinda nice...if they let the Tenpennys come, too!

a good night

Tonight Chris finally got a chance to try out the fire pit I gave him for Christmas.

There is nothing quite like a little girl dancing around the fire her daddy made, or like a little boy with dancing eyes saying "Mom, come on, I want to show you!".

How strange that I know we've had a good night when we all smell like campfire.