It helps if you remember to take your medicine every day. Now I'm queasy, tearful, sensitive to noise, and trying to be very, very still. It's tough to remember that this feeling will soon pass.

Brave...or foolish

Look what I did on Sunday!

So far, so good

So yesterday was really exciting because I had so much energy. I was so encouraged. It was good for me to see something positive come from decreasing meds, which hasn 't been the case in such a long time.

Just to clarify, I've been reviewing my types of medications and dosages every 3-8 weeks with my psychiatrist for just over two years. Before that I had been off all meds for nearly four years. I hated going back on, but if you only knew what my rock bottom was like you'd understand my intense fear of going off again. I'll probably stay on the other medication since it has minimal side effects and great benefits.

By 7 last night, the energy was disappearing. I went on to bed around 8:30, and by 9 I could feel my spirits sinking a little. But who cares...no tears or anything, just ready to end the day snuggled up to Chris and getting a good night's sleep.

Thanks again for all the prayers and encouragement. My prayer for you is that you will read this and be reminded of how attentive our God is to hear us, and that you will be driven to lift all your requests and intercessions to Him with increasing fervor and faithfulness.

And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19

Thanks so much for all the encouragement and promises of prayer. It's hard to look back at blatant honesty without feeling a little regret or embarrassment, but I know it was the right thing for me.

One of my sweet friends sent me an email saying: "it must seem a little like going on a trip without knowing what to pack or how long you'll be there." She's absolutely right.

Sunday Chris and I decided to sleep in, then we spent several hours at the Wave Pool. It was very relaxing and I engaged with my family and just had fun with them. The Lord was clearly hearing the prayers of His people. I'm asking Him to remove the frenzy of thoughts I have about this whole mess and replace them with thoughts of calm confidence that He has my family and I in His hands.

The only physical challenge I'm having right now is getting to sleep at night. That's a result of having more energy, which is a huge benefit. Truthfully, I don't even know what to think about having energy. It's been so long since I've been able to focus on my role as a homemaker that I don't know where to begin! I want to re-learn how to balance house keeping with relationships with my family. In the past everything has been one extreme or the other. I keep imagining what it might feel like to...

I don't know how to explain this. I have never felt easy flowing from one part of life to the next. I was always giving all I had to one area, to the extent that I had little or nothing left for the other areas. It's exciting to think about not chopping myself up into so many pieces. I'm not being too idealistic here; I know the life of a wife, mother, homemaker, homeschooler, friend is a complex juggling act.

This is probaby coming across as nonsense, so I better close it out. The short of it is that I'm feeling a twinge of optimism about what the future might hold.

Thanks again for all your prayers. Love to all.

time to pray...

I'm going off my anti-depressant. May seem crazy to you given that I just had a low post the other day. My doctor and I had talked about it a few weeks ago, and then I missed two days in a row earlier this week (bad memory), so I just figured what the heck? It's already going out of my system, so why not just let it? I've gone to a half dose now, but still forgotten it a day or two since then. Guess I'm not being very nice to my body.

I've heard a lot of bad stories about coming off this medication. Personally, here's my deal so far. I've got a pretty constant headache, which is unusual for me. No, I haven't taken anything for it so far. I'm pretty reluctant to add anything else to the mix, but I'm heading straight for the Ibuprofen after this post. I've been pretty nauseas (sp?), too, which is quite unpleasant. Since I'm not so drugged up I've had trouble getting to sleep at night. I even took a sleep aid (prescribed) last night and it made no difference at all. We'll see how tonight goes.

The greater issue may be that I suddenly have access to a wider range of emotions than I've had in a long while. If something is annoying me, it really annoys me, whereas for the past few months I could pass over it pretty well. If I get angry, I feel some stronger emotions than I've had access to in a long time. And if my feelings get hurt, as they did just a few moments ago, I can apparently have a long, intense cry, which has only periodically happened of late. It's not a "I want to die" cry, but it's still long and ugly.

The daily challenge for the next couple of weeks is deciding if I want to keep coming off or go back up to the full dose I was on before. It's either worth it, meaning I could be less medicated, have more energy, and feel things in a more "normal" sense. It could mean better worship and openness with God than I've had in a couple of years. That would be awesome. OR it's not worth it, meaning I'm harsh towards my children, acting in rage towards my husband, and totally erratic and unpredictable with my emotions and what follows them. It could cause some kind of relapse, which could mean a break down and inability to function (worse case scenario, I hope).

I was about to say this decision rests on me, but the Truth comes to mind that it really isn't in my hands. It just feels that way.

• Pray that I will find a way to release this scary task to the Lord.

• Pray that I will re-learn self-control as I get familiar with my emotions again.

• Pray that my husband will be with me and continue to extend grace and forgiveness in this process. He's truly amazing.
  

• Pray that my children will be protected by the power and wisdom of God that I can hardly comprehend.

• Pray that I will be humble, steadfast, and focused on the big picture.

• Pray that if this change can really be accomplished right now that I will step into a new world of joy and start to thrive in my "new" life. I am still on my other medication, and it should be a very, very good thing to experience life with the support it provides without the added "control" of the anti-depressant (sorry if I didn't state that very well). Haven't been able to pull this off so far in the last two years.
• Pray that I won't over-analyze every detail, that I'll just chill out sometimes and let things unfold without picking the tiny things to death.
  

• Pray that my story, the one God designed for me, will somehow, in ways I can't imagine, be part of His greater story. That His kingdom may be increased by these things that are exhausting to me, my family, and my friends. That I will someday "shine like a star in the heavens" here on earth, free to show joy and passion and love in the name of Christ Jesus. You may be so kind to say that this is already happening, but that really doesn't help right now. I can be a pretty good actor, and I know there is more.

I know this is all intense. I appreciate you if you've read to the end here. We'll see what the next few weeks bring.

The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?
If God is for us, who can be against us?
He will keep in perfect peace, those whose mind is steadfast because he trusts in Him. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord is the rock eternal.

typose for you and me

Are you ever tempted to just sendo ut an email or post something on your blog with all yout typos and spelling mistakes ans see ywho can make it out? Sine I never took typing you wouldnt' believe heo w many times I "bakspace when I'm ytyping! Spelling isn't as much of a problem though you might not be ableto tell the diefferncr right now. Reoply on this and loieave your typos, or just make me fell like I'm ths onely one. Thant;'s fuine.

So my heart is a little heavy today. It's so strange that I can feel heart ache and not know why. There are some logical reasons: my friend Shelli left for India yesterday, I had conversation with depth with a girlfriend this morning, my husband is too tired and overheated to spoil me this week. I guess anyone would say that's enough to shake things up.

But when I feel the ache in my chest I just assume there must be more to it. It's like watching one of those modern movies where all the action takes place in slow motion; someone hit me in the middle of my chest, my body flies backwards while my head and shoulders are flung forward. Only in my movie there's nothing to break the impact, no wall to hit or floor to land on. I just keep going back and back and back and the sequence doesn't end before the end of the shot.

I just have to close my eyes and wait. I have to breathe until I find a place to land.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to move forward today. I think I'll do the dishes and maybe some laundry. I know I'll take a shower, but my family will be shocked if we have a dinner that I made myself at the table tonight.

It sounds so simple. It's just not.

strange

It's a strange, strange day when I'm telling the kids to stop yelling across the house "I love you Jane!!!" and "I love you Stephen!!!"

making plans...

There's really no direction for writing this, I just know it's time to post again. My sweet friend Shelli just left with her boys. They leave for India again in one week. The kids played games and dressed up for nerf gun battles. Then after lunch they played in the water outside. We filled up a big storage container with water for them to refill their water guns, but they opted to climb in and sit in the water instead. At one point, Stephen and Isaac were just sitting there seeing who could scream the loudest and cracking up. It's so good to see them all playing together.

We planned our last girls' night for tomorrow night, so we'll be hitting Logos bookstore, Panera, Davis Kidd bookstore, and the fancy stores at Green Hills Mall. Hopefully we'll save the tears for another day.

We also started planning for my visit there next year, though Chris and I haven't really come to a final decision about this yet. But it was fun to plan anyway.

The clock on my laptop shows it's 12:30, which I know is not true. But I did lose track of time today while spending time with a dear friend, watching our children play as if they never spent years apart.

I know there is laundry to fold and some swimming to be done, but that's a much shorter list than I've had in quite some time. So maybe I'll just start the next book on my list and enjoy the calm that comes after spending time with a good friend.