time to pray...

I'm going off my anti-depressant. May seem crazy to you given that I just had a low post the other day. My doctor and I had talked about it a few weeks ago, and then I missed two days in a row earlier this week (bad memory), so I just figured what the heck? It's already going out of my system, so why not just let it? I've gone to a half dose now, but still forgotten it a day or two since then. Guess I'm not being very nice to my body.

I've heard a lot of bad stories about coming off this medication. Personally, here's my deal so far. I've got a pretty constant headache, which is unusual for me. No, I haven't taken anything for it so far. I'm pretty reluctant to add anything else to the mix, but I'm heading straight for the Ibuprofen after this post. I've been pretty nauseas (sp?), too, which is quite unpleasant. Since I'm not so drugged up I've had trouble getting to sleep at night. I even took a sleep aid (prescribed) last night and it made no difference at all. We'll see how tonight goes.

The greater issue may be that I suddenly have access to a wider range of emotions than I've had in a long while. If something is annoying me, it really annoys me, whereas for the past few months I could pass over it pretty well. If I get angry, I feel some stronger emotions than I've had access to in a long time. And if my feelings get hurt, as they did just a few moments ago, I can apparently have a long, intense cry, which has only periodically happened of late. It's not a "I want to die" cry, but it's still long and ugly.

The daily challenge for the next couple of weeks is deciding if I want to keep coming off or go back up to the full dose I was on before. It's either worth it, meaning I could be less medicated, have more energy, and feel things in a more "normal" sense. It could mean better worship and openness with God than I've had in a couple of years. That would be awesome. OR it's not worth it, meaning I'm harsh towards my children, acting in rage towards my husband, and totally erratic and unpredictable with my emotions and what follows them. It could cause some kind of relapse, which could mean a break down and inability to function (worse case scenario, I hope).

I was about to say this decision rests on me, but the Truth comes to mind that it really isn't in my hands. It just feels that way.

• Pray that I will find a way to release this scary task to the Lord.

• Pray that I will re-learn self-control as I get familiar with my emotions again.

• Pray that my husband will be with me and continue to extend grace and forgiveness in this process. He's truly amazing.
  

• Pray that my children will be protected by the power and wisdom of God that I can hardly comprehend.

• Pray that I will be humble, steadfast, and focused on the big picture.

• Pray that if this change can really be accomplished right now that I will step into a new world of joy and start to thrive in my "new" life. I am still on my other medication, and it should be a very, very good thing to experience life with the support it provides without the added "control" of the anti-depressant (sorry if I didn't state that very well). Haven't been able to pull this off so far in the last two years.
• Pray that I won't over-analyze every detail, that I'll just chill out sometimes and let things unfold without picking the tiny things to death.
  

• Pray that my story, the one God designed for me, will somehow, in ways I can't imagine, be part of His greater story. That His kingdom may be increased by these things that are exhausting to me, my family, and my friends. That I will someday "shine like a star in the heavens" here on earth, free to show joy and passion and love in the name of Christ Jesus. You may be so kind to say that this is already happening, but that really doesn't help right now. I can be a pretty good actor, and I know there is more.

I know this is all intense. I appreciate you if you've read to the end here. We'll see what the next few weeks bring.

The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?
If God is for us, who can be against us?
He will keep in perfect peace, those whose mind is steadfast because he trusts in Him. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord is the rock eternal.