Ummm...

I really don't even know what to say today. These past few days have been, well, difficult.

You know, if you read my first post, I really did warn you that this blog might be a little wacky. In conversation today I admitted that I might be a little too open when writing here. But it feels like I'm writing to no one. Besides, I can't see you reading. And my friends are kind enough not to make a lot of comments in person. So I just feel really free to do this as a release for myself. If it freaks you out to see me flip from depression to to-do lists, well, I don't know what to tell you.

Anyway, out of the nowhere these last couple of weeks I have had major mood swings. If you don't know about this part of my life...well , I would find that hard to believe. So I crashed: fatigue, tons of sleep, no housework, partial schooling, lots of tv, plenty of ice cream...and then the really ugly stuff that no one gets to see, like the black hole that you know is out there but you haven't seen up close. And I got scared.

We, my family and I, are tired of our lives being affected by these "issues". We just want to have a day here and there when we are happy-go-lucky. I am tired of monitoring my health, being my own counselor and doctor. I am sick of adjusting my meds every three months. And my poor husband...I can't say enough about him. I really can't even start.

But, I am on the upswing, I suppose. Adjusted the meds again yesterday, and after bouncing off the walls for a couple of hours I was breathing freely again. No chest pain, no sensitivity to light and sound, and (praise God) refreshed patience for my active children. I was even able to give Chris the night to himself.

The first three days after a medicine increase are usually great. Lots of energy and a little on the giggly side. We just never know about the days that follow. I'm going to move forward with the assumption that there will be some continuing progress. I'm too worn out to have any perspective on what happened to cause this downfall. Maybe it was the crazy busy schedule a couple of weeks ago, or the ski trip when Jane got lost for twenty minutes, or the inadequacy I felt after bible study Monday, or the movie I cried through, or the haunting dreams reminding me of past sin. Who knows?!

Maybe I'll have something light hearted to write about tomorrow...