It must be

I wonder why I am relaxed today? There's no reason for it. I have an unbelievable amount to do, I think.

There are preparations to be made for vbs, weddings, trips, school, baby showers, and who knows what else?

There are library books to be returned, dishes to be done, rooms to be cleaned, food to be bought, and calls to be returned.

Where it the pressure that's been looming all around me since summer began?

Maybe I've lost focus. Maybe I forgot to take my medicine. Maybe I got too much sleep last night. Maybe I'm in denial. Maybe I'm forgetting something.

It's unexplainable. It must be God.

Second Summer

So the things I listed on my summer to-do list a few weeks ago are all crossed off, except for summer reading. I've only gotten halfway through the second one (though I added a book in the middle of that). But the summer has been so busy already that I am now preparing for what I'm going to call Second Summer. In sixteen days the rush of first summer will be over, and my Second Summer will begin. So here's the revised list:

• Wake up in the morning and read.

• Have scrambled eggs and toast for breakfast with the kids.

• Go swimming on the spur of the moment.

• Visit the library just for fun, without looking for school books.

• Play outside until dark.

• Go fishing with may dad.

• Visit a used bookstore without needing to hurry.

• Meet friends for lunch without planning ahead.

• Walk around the neighborhood at dusk with my family.

• Sit on the front porch reading while Chris plays guitar and the kids lie around just listening.

Tell the truth...

I'm neglecting my blog, aren't I? You can tell me the truth, I don't mind. It's not that I don't have anything to write about. You know I always have more to say.

It's just that I don't want to be introspective right now, not in front of you anyway. Sitting down to write anything usually brings that out in me. I really can't help it.

So I'll just sit here eating momma's fudge pie (mmm...) and drinking my DDP while you wonder why on earth I even wrote this down.

But I get the rush of writing, even if it was nonsense.

The Dashing Dashwood Sisters

Over the past few weeks I hinted at my Sunday night escapades with PBS' Masterpiece Theater. I was fortunate to see the first and third installments of the new Sense and Sensibility and loved it madly. Today, I indulged (with Chris' blessing) and bought it for myself. Now, having enjoyed all three hours in one sitting, I can reasonably say that it is better than the 90's version that I treasured before. You must, must, must see this, and I will happily watch it again and again with you. Good night!

...and day

Today was better.

Today I took a shower.

Today I talked to a friend.

Today I laughed with my children.

Today I marked three things off my to-do list.

Today I bought tons of food at the grocery store.

Today I helped my husband by listening to him.

Tonight I am cooking tacos.

Tonight I remain calm.

Tonight I don't really need to cry.

Tonight I will tuck my children in to bed.

Tonight I will be a better wife and mother.
Tonight I feel normal.
Tonight I can breathe.

day and night

Today I killed fifty-seven ants on the coffee table.

Today I threw away an insulated lunch bag with mold in it.

Today I found a dime in the kitchen sink.

Today I did not take a shower.

Today I filled an empty trash bag when I cleaned the living room.

Today I promised my family there would be food in the house by dinner time.

Tonight my family went out to dinner without me.

Tonight I will wash the dishes.

Tonight I will fold the laundry my husband washed.

Tonight I will regret not cleaning the hamster cage last week.

Tonight I will thank my husband again.

Tonight I will cry.

Tonight I will go to sleep.

Tonight I will forget about today.

Tomorrow might be better.

Old Friends, New Me

How long has it been since you got in touch with a blast from the past? This week, two dear friends resurfaced via facebook. One found me, I found the other. These are girls I haven't talked to in 8 or 10 years. I immediately pictured them the way they were when I last saw them. One had a two year old son that Chris and I adored. She was my best friend in high school, though we were complete opposites (isn't that the way it goes?). The other was my big brother's high school girlfriend, but a few years later I was a bridesmaid in her wedding. She was a small town girl. And now, the two year old is thirteen, and my friend is working away in Alabama. The other small town friend is working on her dissertation and is moving to Maine! They changed! I don't know who they are any more, though I hope to find out.

Now I'm realizing that they are picturing me the way I was...innocent, naive as all get-out, and pretending to be happy all the time. But I've changed, too! They don't know who I am any more. How do you tell your rebel girlfriend (you know it's true:) that you finally rebelled, too? Will she pat you on the back? Or should you let her see the misery it brought you? How do you tell someone that you wore a mask all those years, that you ached every day? And do you thank her for distracting you all that time? How do you say "I miss you" when you never called or wrote? How do you move on with an old friend when the foundation of who you are is so totally different than before?

Maybe this is why we call them old friends; they know the old you. People today could never imagine how silly I was back then. They couldn't imagine that I never voiced an opinion that required thought. They definitely couldn't imagine that I was always "okay", taking care of everyone else. Now I am melancholy and serious. I am opinionated because I think non-stop. I am very rarely "okay". Right, new friends?

So, here's a whole new question: do they still want to know me and will they like what I've become?

Better yet, will I see them for who they are and still call them friend? I hope so, because if I won't, I haven't really come that far.