You know you cried a lot yesterday when your eyes are still swollen and burning today.

waiting

the road goes ever on and on
and on
i don't even know where i'm going
i have no run, no walk, no crawl
only breath
and it hurts to breathe
my chest contracts
and there is pain
it never seems to stop
i am always waiting
for it to stop
waiting and waiting
there are no days, no hours, no minutes,
only moments upon moments
i am forgetting what it is like
to live without the pain
i feel ridiculous
living with an invisible illness
speaking of aches when my organs work inside of me
but there is no cure for this disease
it is a cancer of the soul
and too many times it is eating me alive
burning the flesh of my heart
why oh why won't it stop
i treat it, i medicate it, i talk about it
i pretend it is not there
but it is not tolerable
it is not enough to know that the worst will pass
eventually
it is not enough because i know it will return
and i am afraid
to believe
to breathe
to live
to hope
to dream
to love
to do more than be

but i believe...in God
and i breathe...one breath at a time
and i live...for my family
and i hope...for heaven
and i dream...about a good day
and i love...the One who loves me
and i do...
wait



Psalm 130:12 Even the darkness is not dark to You, And the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You.

i wish i could tell you how sorry i am
for what i took from you
it never was mine to take
never.

fyi

I've given almost no thought to continuing my education since my last post...

Dreams come and go, don't they? I know that one will definitely return, though :)

continuing education?

I'm thinking of taking some classes online next year. Do you know I only have four semesters of college? I didn't know what I was doing the first time around. I mean, for goodness' sake I was only seventeen when I started school. Who knows how much of those semesters is worth anything now.

Anyway, I've been thinking of how old I would want the kids to be before I start back, but someone reminded me today that online classes are available. Wouldn't that be funny if the kids and I were all doing our schoolwork at the same time?

I wonder what I would study? English, literature, psychology, biblical studies, history...I really don't know. Some of you know me pretty well...what's your opinion?

anonymity (spellcheck)

Who new anyone would still be reading? Thanks, friends.

Last night I saw Taming of the Shrew at Shakespeare in the Park, by myself. I've found in the past three years that this is something I really enjoy seeing on my own. Not many people love Shakespeare, and I've always done a pretty decent job at interpreting his quirky language. I like to go early with a book and some dinner and enjoy the anonymity of sitting in a crowd where no one (usually) knows me. Sometimes I wonder what they think when they see me. Do they see someone who is enjoying her time alone? Or do they think, "poor girl, no one to talk to". Do you ever wonder what impressions strangers have of you? It's just a curiosity. Do they look at your clothes? your stuff? your expressions? When my kids aren't there to define me, my husband, my friends, my church, my hobbies...how do you judge a book WITHOUT a cover?

so long, so long

Wow, more than four months since I've posted anything (or checked anyone else's blog...sorry!)

Still, here I am, mostly out of boredom. The quick update is that my health is finally, truly stable. The summer was full of VBS planning. Now we're back in the school thing. My world the past couple of weeks has consisted of mathematics, a daydreaming eight year old, an extremely talkative ten year old, laundry, dishes, a couple of books, and other various daily chores. Facebook has become my link to the outer world.

Can you tell I'm a little bored? I feel kind of bad about that. I mean, I'm a homeschooling mom, for Pete's sake. I chose to be in this house for more hours than most of my friends are in theirs. I try to remind myself that our out-of-the-house school routine hasn't started yet (PE, tutorial, girl and cub scouts, c'group), so things will probably get better in a couple of weeks. I'll probably be ready to kill for some quiet time at home by then!

Anyway, I guess I'm here because I've missed writing. I didn't even know until just now. I like the way it feels to tap away at my laptop, writing a continuous train of thought.

I find it hard to be fully mom and fully me at the same time. Writing is part of me, not the mom. So when I'm tired of being the mom (you know what I mean), then I crave more me time. So I've shopped, been to the movies, dressed like a teenager, and now I'm writing. For some reason it feels dark and secretive to write. I like that part of myself, even though I know it's utter nonsense to think that the fact that I like to write has to be kept a secret. Where did I ever pick up that idea? My counselor has some theories...

Maybe I ought to be giving updates on my kids, or my husband, or church life, or my many crafty projects. But instead, I just feel like being the "other" me, just for a few minutes.

See, now I'm done. I can get Jane's clothes out of the dryer, put clean sheets on the bed, clear the table for the new family puzzle we'll start tonight, and go to Shoney's with my folks for dinner. I can be...

you know what I really am? A social introvert. Not a term Myers-Briggs has, but I made up up for myself. So I'm off to be social and interact with the real world.

If you read this far, you must be a true friend.

Today I am remembering all over again the feelings that only motherhood has brought to my life: excruciating joy.

Happy Birthday, Jane Louise Thompson.

My light, my joy...

M.I.A.

Well, clearly I have not disappeared. But I must confess to you, Blogspot, that I've been seeing someone else...Facebook.

If you have a blog, please forgive me. I have not looked at blogs in at least a month. I'll catch up soon.

God Will Win.

play time

It's Friday. The power is out in the neighborhood for some reason. I'm tapping away at a solitaire game on the laptop while the kids have toys spread out in the living room. I start hearing bits and pieces of their playing and realize nothing could be more impossible to follow. When I start taking notes, there's something going on with Indiana Jones, Anakin Skywalker, and the Secret Service.

J:He disguises himself as a gold miner

S:Be ready for any of his tricks

J:But they don't know

S:Jane, I can play anyway I want, right mom? See?

J:I'm using this as a metal detector and also as a ghost shooter

S:Oh yeah, I have a ghost buster extreme. It can make ghosts, too. Ah, Ah, Ah.

J:What?

S:My guy has secret ammo, and he's covering it up. Look he's covering it up.

J:You said that twice you know.

S:Hey, we'll be on your team if you do one thing. Attack them

J:No, Stephen, they don't know

S:Find out where they live

J:My guys have a very odd house. No one goes up here but my guys because it was said to be haunted

S:They agreed.

J:Hi there

S:What do you want? Hey it's the kid with the freckles!

J:It's my guys

S:He attacked our place. He intruded!

J:No that's a different guy. There's another kid with freckles, he's my evil twin.

S:Get him, we'll load him in the...&*$#^@&*!!!! Get outta here you!

J:We were just going to ask you something!

S:Jane, I think your thumb is bleeding

J:No it's from my fingernail polish. We were just going to ask for passage through your lands to search for the bad guys

S:no they've joined us

J: well, can I still have passage? Stephen look...okay, pause game

silence

S:wow the game really was paused

J:okay play

S:Yaaah! Get back here!!

J:no

S:We must have more cover

Jane pretends to toss pillow onto his toys

S: Nooooooo!!!!

J: I was just joking

S: choking?

J: j-j-j-joking

S:get the police

J:we are the police

S:yeah the space police

J:well they are also the regular police

S:no!

J:I can play however I want

S:police, police someone intruded in our land! And he nearly destroyed our fort

J: (singing)do-do-do-do-do

S:do you hear me? *&^%$ aaaah, puh, kush!

J:beep beep.... no it's just a dime again

S:yo! no intruding in their land

J:according to the law you cannot arrest children

S:then I'll arrest you mom and dad

J:don't have nay

S: then I'll arrest your alien

J: he's a kid too

S: President! Can you change the law that kids can't be arrested? New law! You can arrest kids

J: That's not fair. I'm only 10

S: How old is your brother?

J:12

S:I wont' allow you todothat

J: I'm police

S: one shot of this gun can destroy your motorcycle

J: the guns are on fire!

S: Not fair!

J: yes it is

S: (shooting noises)

J:then my guys are going to the hidden mountains, and nobody else can come there

S:they'll never escape, they'll never get away with that

J: Stephen only my guys know it's not haunted

a few moments of silence

S: pretend she was stealing dinosaurs from a museum

J: tick tock...jinx! Stephen

S:Thanks. mom I have a country style clock. Guess what it says tickatockatickatocka Jinx! Jane

J: It's the government acquisition that puts me in a bad position

What else can I say?

What do you do...

when you are really angry with someone?

I'm avoiding stuff...

Like taking a shower, baking brownies for community group snack, helping the kids clean their rooms, moving the laundry, cooking dinner, and I'm sure I'm missing something. ALL of this is supposed to be done in the next 70 minutes. A lot of times I work well under pressure, but that's usually for stuff outside the home: weddings, church projects, helping a friend. But when there's a deadline at home, I sometimes just fade into nothing. Just hanging out waiting for a burst of energy that only occasionally shows up. So if I'm going to waste time, I might as well blog, which I so rarely do anymore.

Sometimes writing is energizing. Sometimes it's depressing. But confession is always good for the soul. I confess that I am being lazy and selfish, and that I'm looking for a way to get out of going to community group. I really want to go...there's no way we won't have a fantastic discussion tonight. But don't you think that sometimes it's just easier to stay in your bubble and not answer that "how are you?" question? Strangely enough, I'm actually fine. I just usually elaborate more than I think I should. People say they like that, but the two or three people in my world who look at me like I'm crazy when I go on and on are the ones I think of when the devil tells me I'm a social idiot.

Anyway, I'm elaborating again. But since Nanette is probably the only one reading this, I don't feel so bad. But my seven minutes of avoiding life are over since I know Chris will be here soon and may not put up with another evening of taking the kids to c'group by himself.

Here I go...

MLK

The kids and I just finished watching the famous "I Have a Dream" speech together.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PbUtL_0vAJk

Here's what we dream of:

Stephen: That there was a machine that would pick up all the bad guys and put them in jail.

Jane: Of a clean, happy, fight-free world.

Katie: The eyes of every heart to be opened to the One True God.

Pressing On

But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. More that that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ, and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, th righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith, that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and in the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death; in order that I may attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

Has this ever happened to you? You hear a passage that you've heard, even clung to, many times before. But suddenly something new reaches out and touches you in a whole new way. Words that you passed over before are now the emphasis of the whole thing!

Two "new" things were given to my by the Holy Spirit in this passage yesterday. I'll give them to you in reverse order.

"...forgetting what lies behind" God has been preparing me to hear these words for about three weeks, giving me hope for each day, making me ready to leave the loss and grief of the recent past behind me. And now I hear Him saying - forget it. There is nothing left to process, to learn, to grieve, to regret, to be afraid of. I think He's telling me to walk away. And just like He always is, He's showing me how to do it. I'm terrified. It's like learning how to walk again. But He is holding my hands, even when I'm oblivious to His presence.

"that I may be...found in Him" I've been lost for a long while, months or years now, not knowing where I'm going or what I'm doing. Wandering, but not really seeking. There's some sense of direction coming back now, but it only points me one way...to Him. Just as a toddler will always be found wrapped around his mother's leg, I want to be found with Him. "Where's Katie?" "She's over there, with God." I don't want to wander any more. I want to be where He is, always in close proximity to my Father. It's been months since that desire really moved me.

So...it's time for me to leave behind the massive load that I can't find enough words to describe (and now I don't have to). It's time for me to press on, knowing that He is providing the muscle to do it, and start to run. Lord, give me faith, a firm belief that you can do anything.