You know you cried a lot yesterday when your eyes are still swollen and burning today.

waiting

the road goes ever on and on
and on
i don't even know where i'm going
i have no run, no walk, no crawl
only breath
and it hurts to breathe
my chest contracts
and there is pain
it never seems to stop
i am always waiting
for it to stop
waiting and waiting
there are no days, no hours, no minutes,
only moments upon moments
i am forgetting what it is like
to live without the pain
i feel ridiculous
living with an invisible illness
speaking of aches when my organs work inside of me
but there is no cure for this disease
it is a cancer of the soul
and too many times it is eating me alive
burning the flesh of my heart
why oh why won't it stop
i treat it, i medicate it, i talk about it
i pretend it is not there
but it is not tolerable
it is not enough to know that the worst will pass
eventually
it is not enough because i know it will return
and i am afraid
to believe
to breathe
to live
to hope
to dream
to love
to do more than be

but i believe...in God
and i breathe...one breath at a time
and i live...for my family
and i hope...for heaven
and i dream...about a good day
and i love...the One who loves me
and i do...
wait



Psalm 130:12 Even the darkness is not dark to You, And the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You.

i wish i could tell you how sorry i am
for what i took from you
it never was mine to take
never.

fyi

I've given almost no thought to continuing my education since my last post...

Dreams come and go, don't they? I know that one will definitely return, though :)

continuing education?

I'm thinking of taking some classes online next year. Do you know I only have four semesters of college? I didn't know what I was doing the first time around. I mean, for goodness' sake I was only seventeen when I started school. Who knows how much of those semesters is worth anything now.

Anyway, I've been thinking of how old I would want the kids to be before I start back, but someone reminded me today that online classes are available. Wouldn't that be funny if the kids and I were all doing our schoolwork at the same time?

I wonder what I would study? English, literature, psychology, biblical studies, history...I really don't know. Some of you know me pretty well...what's your opinion?

anonymity (spellcheck)

Who new anyone would still be reading? Thanks, friends.

Last night I saw Taming of the Shrew at Shakespeare in the Park, by myself. I've found in the past three years that this is something I really enjoy seeing on my own. Not many people love Shakespeare, and I've always done a pretty decent job at interpreting his quirky language. I like to go early with a book and some dinner and enjoy the anonymity of sitting in a crowd where no one (usually) knows me. Sometimes I wonder what they think when they see me. Do they see someone who is enjoying her time alone? Or do they think, "poor girl, no one to talk to". Do you ever wonder what impressions strangers have of you? It's just a curiosity. Do they look at your clothes? your stuff? your expressions? When my kids aren't there to define me, my husband, my friends, my church, my hobbies...how do you judge a book WITHOUT a cover?

so long, so long

Wow, more than four months since I've posted anything (or checked anyone else's blog...sorry!)

Still, here I am, mostly out of boredom. The quick update is that my health is finally, truly stable. The summer was full of VBS planning. Now we're back in the school thing. My world the past couple of weeks has consisted of mathematics, a daydreaming eight year old, an extremely talkative ten year old, laundry, dishes, a couple of books, and other various daily chores. Facebook has become my link to the outer world.

Can you tell I'm a little bored? I feel kind of bad about that. I mean, I'm a homeschooling mom, for Pete's sake. I chose to be in this house for more hours than most of my friends are in theirs. I try to remind myself that our out-of-the-house school routine hasn't started yet (PE, tutorial, girl and cub scouts, c'group), so things will probably get better in a couple of weeks. I'll probably be ready to kill for some quiet time at home by then!

Anyway, I guess I'm here because I've missed writing. I didn't even know until just now. I like the way it feels to tap away at my laptop, writing a continuous train of thought.

I find it hard to be fully mom and fully me at the same time. Writing is part of me, not the mom. So when I'm tired of being the mom (you know what I mean), then I crave more me time. So I've shopped, been to the movies, dressed like a teenager, and now I'm writing. For some reason it feels dark and secretive to write. I like that part of myself, even though I know it's utter nonsense to think that the fact that I like to write has to be kept a secret. Where did I ever pick up that idea? My counselor has some theories...

Maybe I ought to be giving updates on my kids, or my husband, or church life, or my many crafty projects. But instead, I just feel like being the "other" me, just for a few minutes.

See, now I'm done. I can get Jane's clothes out of the dryer, put clean sheets on the bed, clear the table for the new family puzzle we'll start tonight, and go to Shoney's with my folks for dinner. I can be...

you know what I really am? A social introvert. Not a term Myers-Briggs has, but I made up up for myself. So I'm off to be social and interact with the real world.

If you read this far, you must be a true friend.