the road goes ever on and on...

2009-11-30T10:39:00.001-06:00

You know you cried a lot yesterday when your eyes are still swollen and burning today.

waiting

2009-11-25T21:29:00.004-06:00

the road goes ever on and on
and on
i don't even know where i'm going
i have no run, no walk, no crawl
only breath
and it hurts to breathe
my chest contracts
and there is pain
it never seems to stop
i am always waiting
for it to stop
waiting and waiting
there are no days, no hours, no minutes,
only moments upon moments
i am forgetting what it is like
to live without the pain
i feel ridiculous
living with an invisible illness
speaking of aches when my organs work inside of me
but there is no cure for this disease
it is a cancer of the soul
and too many times it is eating me alive
burning the flesh of my heart
why oh why won't it stop
i treat it, i medicate it, i talk about it
i pretend it is not there
but it is not tolerable
it is not enough to know that the worst will pass
eventually
it is not enough because i know it will return
and i am afraid
to believe
to breathe
to live
to hope
to dream
to love
to do more than be

but i believe...in God
and i breathe...one breath at a time
and i live...for my family
and i hope...for heaven
and i dream...about a good day
and i love...the One who loves me
and i do...
wait

Psalm 130:12 Even the darkness is not dark to You, And the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You.

2009-11-20T20:43:00.001-06:00

i wish i could tell you how sorry i am
for what i took from you
it never was mine to take
never.

fyi

2009-10-13T10:48:00.001-05:00

I've given almost no thought to continuing my education since my last post...

Dreams come and go, don't they? I know that one will definitely return, though :)

continuing education?

2009-08-24T15:24:00.002-05:00

I'm thinking of taking some classes online next year. Do you know I only have four semesters of college? I didn't know what I was doing the first time around. I mean, for goodness' sake I was only seventeen when I started school. Who knows how much of those semesters is worth anything now.

Anyway, I've been thinking of how old I would want the kids to be before I start back, but someone reminded me today that online classes are available. Wouldn't that be funny if the kids and I were all doing our schoolwork at the same time?

I wonder what I would study? English, literature, psychology, biblical studies, history...I really don't know. Some of you know me pretty well...what's your opinion?

anonymity (spellcheck)

2009-08-21T11:43:00.003-05:00

Who new anyone would still be reading? Thanks, friends.

Last night I saw Taming of the Shrew at Shakespeare in the Park, by myself. I've found in the past three years that this is something I really enjoy seeing on my own. Not many people love Shakespeare, and I've always done a pretty decent job at interpreting his quirky language. I like to go early with a book and some dinner and enjoy the anonymity of sitting in a crowd where no one (usually) knows me. Sometimes I wonder what they think when they see me. Do they see someone who is enjoying her time alone? Or do they think, "poor girl, no one to talk to". Do you ever wonder what impressions strangers have of you? It's just a curiosity. Do they look at your clothes? your stuff? your expressions? When my kids aren't there to define me, my husband, my friends, my church, my hobbies...how do you judge a book WITHOUT a cover?

so long, so long

2009-08-19T16:32:00.003-05:00

Wow, more than four months since I've posted anything (or checked anyone else's blog...sorry!)

Still, here I am, mostly out of boredom. The quick update is that my health is finally, truly stable. The summer was full of VBS planning. Now we're back in the school thing. My world the past couple of weeks has consisted of mathematics, a daydreaming eight year old, an extremely talkative ten year old, laundry, dishes, a couple of books, and other various daily chores. Facebook has become my link to the outer world.

Can you tell I'm a little bored? I feel kind of bad about that. I mean, I'm a homeschooling mom, for Pete's sake. I chose to be in this house for more hours than most of my friends are in theirs. I try to remind myself that our out-of-the-house school routine hasn't started yet (PE, tutorial, girl and cub scouts, c'group), so things will probably get better in a couple of weeks. I'll probably be ready to kill for some quiet time at home by then!

Anyway, I guess I'm here because I've missed writing. I didn't even know until just now. I like the way it feels to tap away at my laptop, writing a continuous train of thought.

I find it hard to be fully mom and fully me at the same time. Writing is part of me, not the mom. So when I'm tired of being the mom (you know what I mean), then I crave more me time. So I've shopped, been to the movies, dressed like a teenager, and now I'm writing. For some reason it feels dark and secretive to write. I like that part of myself, even though I know it's utter nonsense to think that the fact that I like to write has to be kept a secret. Where did I ever pick up that idea? My counselor has some theories...

Maybe I ought to be giving updates on my kids, or my husband, or church life, or my many crafty projects. But instead, I just feel like being the "other" me, just for a few minutes.

See, now I'm done. I can get Jane's clothes out of the dryer, put clean sheets on the bed, clear the table for the new family puzzle we'll start tonight, and go to Shoney's with my folks for dinner. I can be...

you know what I really am? A social introvert. Not a term Myers-Briggs has, but I made up up for myself. So I'm off to be social and interact with the real world.

If you read this far, you must be a true friend.

2009-04-07T09:58:00.002-05:00

Today I am remembering all over again the feelings that only motherhood has brought to my life: excruciating joy.

Happy Birthday, Jane Louise Thompson.

My light, my joy...

M.I.A.

2009-02-20T16:43:00.002-06:00

Well, clearly I have not disappeared. But I must confess to you, Blogspot, that I've been seeing someone else...Facebook.

If you have a blog, please forgive me. I have not looked at blogs in at least a month. I'll catch up soon.

God Will Win.

2009-02-01T21:40:00.001-06:00

play time

2009-01-30T17:56:00.001-06:00

It's Friday. The power is out in the neighborhood for some reason. I'm tapping away at a solitaire game on the laptop while the kids have toys spread out in the living room. I start hearing bits and pieces of their playing and realize nothing could be more impossible to follow. When I start taking notes, there's something going on with Indiana Jones, Anakin Skywalker, and the Secret Service.

J:He disguises himself as a gold miner

S:Be ready for any of his tricks

J:But they don't know

S:Jane, I can play anyway I want, right mom? See?

J:I'm using this as a metal detector and also as a ghost shooter

S:Oh yeah, I have a ghost buster extreme. It can make ghosts, too. Ah, Ah, Ah.

J:What?

S:My guy has secret ammo, and he's covering it up. Look he's covering it up.

J:You said that twice you know.

S:Hey, we'll be on your team if you do one thing. Attack them

J:No, Stephen, they don't know

S:Find out where they live

J:My guys have a very odd house. No one goes up here but my guys because it was said to be haunted

S:They agreed.

J:Hi there

S:What do you want? Hey it's the kid with the freckles!

J:It's my guys

S:He attacked our place. He intruded!

J:No that's a different guy. There's another kid with freckles, he's my evil twin.

S:Get him, we'll load him in the...&*$#^@&*!!!! Get outta here you!

J:We were just going to ask you something!

S:Jane, I think your thumb is bleeding

J:No it's from my fingernail polish. We were just going to ask for passage through your lands to search for the bad guys

S:no they've joined us

J: well, can I still have passage? Stephen look...okay, pause game

silence

S:wow the game really was paused

J:okay play

S:Yaaah! Get back here!!

J:no

S:We must have more cover

Jane pretends to toss pillow onto his toys

S: Nooooooo!!!!

J: I was just joking

S: choking?

J: j-j-j-joking

S:get the police

J:we are the police

S:yeah the space police

J:well they are also the regular police

S:no!

J:I can play however I want

S:police, police someone intruded in our land! And he nearly destroyed our fort

J: (singing)do-do-do-do-do

S:do you hear me? *&^%$ aaaah, puh, kush!

J:beep beep.... no it's just a dime again

S:yo! no intruding in their land

J:according to the law you cannot arrest children

S:then I'll arrest you mom and dad

J:don't have nay

S: then I'll arrest your alien

J: he's a kid too

S: President! Can you change the law that kids can't be arrested? New law! You can arrest kids

J: That's not fair. I'm only 10

S: How old is your brother?

J:12

S:I wont' allow you todothat

J: I'm police

S: one shot of this gun can destroy your motorcycle

J: the guns are on fire!

S: Not fair!

J: yes it is

S: (shooting noises)

J:then my guys are going to the hidden mountains, and nobody else can come there

S:they'll never escape, they'll never get away with that

J: Stephen only my guys know it's not haunted

a few moments of silence

S: pretend she was stealing dinosaurs from a museum

J: tick tock...jinx! Stephen

S:Thanks. mom I have a country style clock. Guess what it says tickatockatickatocka Jinx! Jane

J: It's the government acquisition that puts me in a bad position

What else can I say?

What do you do...

2009-01-27T20:45:00.000-06:00

when you are really angry with someone?

I'm avoiding stuff...

2009-01-21T16:47:00.002-06:00

Like taking a shower, baking brownies for community group snack, helping the kids clean their rooms, moving the laundry, cooking dinner, and I'm sure I'm missing something. ALL of this is supposed to be done in the next 70 minutes. A lot of times I work well under pressure, but that's usually for stuff outside the home: weddings, church projects, helping a friend. But when there's a deadline at home, I sometimes just fade into nothing. Just hanging out waiting for a burst of energy that only occasionally shows up. So if I'm going to waste time, I might as well blog, which I so rarely do anymore.

Sometimes writing is energizing. Sometimes it's depressing. But confession is always good for the soul. I confess that I am being lazy and selfish, and that I'm looking for a way to get out of going to community group. I really want to go...there's no way we won't have a fantastic discussion tonight. But don't you think that sometimes it's just easier to stay in your bubble and not answer that "how are you?" question? Strangely enough, I'm actually fine. I just usually elaborate more than I think I should. People say they like that, but the two or three people in my world who look at me like I'm crazy when I go on and on are the ones I think of when the devil tells me I'm a social idiot.

Anyway, I'm elaborating again. But since Nanette is probably the only one reading this, I don't feel so bad. But my seven minutes of avoiding life are over since I know Chris will be here soon and may not put up with another evening of taking the kids to c'group by himself.

Here I go...

MLK

2009-01-19T11:14:00.003-06:00

The kids and I just finished watching the famous "I Have a Dream" speech together.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PbUtL_0vAJk

Here's what we dream of:

Stephen: That there was a machine that would pick up all the bad guys and put them in jail.

Jane: Of a clean, happy, fight-free world.

Katie: The eyes of every heart to be opened to the One True God.

Pressing On

2009-01-05T10:31:00.002-06:00

But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. More that that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ, and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, th righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith, that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and in the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death; in order that I may attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

Has this ever happened to you? You hear a passage that you've heard, even clung to, many times before. But suddenly something new reaches out and touches you in a whole new way. Words that you passed over before are now the emphasis of the whole thing!

Two "new" things were given to my by the Holy Spirit in this passage yesterday. I'll give them to you in reverse order.

"...forgetting what lies behind" God has been preparing me to hear these words for about three weeks, giving me hope for each day, making me ready to leave the loss and grief of the recent past behind me. And now I hear Him saying - forget it. There is nothing left to process, to learn, to grieve, to regret, to be afraid of. I think He's telling me to walk away. And just like He always is, He's showing me how to do it. I'm terrified. It's like learning how to walk again. But He is holding my hands, even when I'm oblivious to His presence.

"that I may be...found in Him" I've been lost for a long while, months or years now, not knowing where I'm going or what I'm doing. Wandering, but not really seeking. There's some sense of direction coming back now, but it only points me one way...to Him. Just as a toddler will always be found wrapped around his mother's leg, I want to be found with Him. "Where's Katie?" "She's over there, with God." I don't want to wander any more. I want to be where He is, always in close proximity to my Father. It's been months since that desire really moved me.

So...it's time for me to leave behind the massive load that I can't find enough words to describe (and now I don't have to). It's time for me to press on, knowing that He is providing the muscle to do it, and start to run. Lord, give me faith, a firm belief that you can do anything.

Many Days of Christmas

2008-12-29T15:49:00.003-06:00

Hope everyone had a great Christmas! We've celebrated five times with family and great friends, plus some really sweet gifts. Lots of new memories made...

One of my favorites was celebrating with my immediate family: mom and dad, my brothers and their families, and Aunt Ann. We pulled some cards from a new game we received called "Imagine If..." which is perfect for family gatherings. Then we made up our own version of "The Twelve Days of Christmas". Thought I'd share this Tenpenny family rendition with you.

On the ___ day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
16 Christmas treats (my nephew Judah, age 3)
15 more days here (my nephew Nathan, age 14, he lives in Illinois)
14 minutes of labor (my sister-in-law Michelle, due to have her first baby next summer)
13 months of health (my brother Kevin)
12 pain free labors (my sister-in-law Debbie, who is also due next summer with her fifth child, she doesn't really want 12 labors, just the "pain free" part
11 Christmas trees (my dad)
10 electric guitars (my nephew Mason, age 8)
9 landscape sets (my nephew Keegan, age 8, not sure what this is)
8 army tanks (my nephew Evan, age 9, violence is part of having so many boys in the family)
7 games of football (Chris)
6 American Girl dolls (Jane)
5 Borders gift cards (me)
4 laptops (Stephen)
3 pots of gold (Ann, my "big sister")
2 days of rest (my mom)
and a warm cup of coffee (my brother Keith)

Next year my niece Lily may be able to add her own verse, and there will be two new babies in the room. More memories to be made...

MONEY, MONEY, MONEY!

2008-12-19T16:43:00.001-06:00

Here's an opportunity for us to help each other out. Chris and I are looking for some new ways to live on a budget and be more frugal. I'm hoping that you will look through the topics below and add your comments. Thanks!!

Saving $ ...FOOD

2008-12-19T16:42:00.007-06:00

I am presently trying out The Grocery Game (website by the same name). So far, I'm not convinced it will help US, but that is because of where we live. There is no full scale grocery store within 15 miles, so I will have to go out of my way to take advantage of the deals it finds. So far, I haven't managed to get to a Kroger (my supermarket choice) in the 3 weeks I've been a member. They have a 99 cent first month deal I think. If I can't make it worthwhile within the next week, I'll cancel. Probably would work great if I lived closer to a real grocery store. But living out in the country has other perks that make it worthwhile.

Something I learned before we moved here was that most stores have a predictable day they mark down meats (for us, it was Tuesday mornings). If I made that my shopping morning, I could typically pick up lots of discounted meats to put in the freezer until I could use them.

I try to use coupons but often find that the store brand still beats the price, especially at Walmart since they don't double coupons. The other problem I find with them is that they are usually for unhealthy items or things we wouldn't normally buy, so not a bargain after all.

When I get a chance, I'll try to think of some useful items to add to other categories.

Good for you for doing this!

from Suzanne:
i use the Coupon Mom...same idea as the grocery game...but her website is free! www.couponmom.com

also enjoy Money Saving Mom www.moneysavingmom.com she posts lots of freebies and good coupons. for example a month or so ago she posted a link for a $2 Goody's hair products coupon (for hair brush, ponytail holders, etc.). i used it tonight at Target. I got 75 of my FAVORITE ponytail holders for $0.19. :)

from Lori:
Ditto what Suzanne said. Plus there are several other blogs I have started frequenting. Maybe one of them will give you guys some ideas.
beingfrugal.net
frugaldad.com
leavingexcess.com
A lot of times these bloggers will reference other blogs. I'm discovering that there are tons of other frugal blogs out there. I just wish I had time to read them all.
Another suggestion would be Aldi's. Even if there isn't one near you it might be worth it to take a trip to Aldi's once a month to stock up. I cook as much as I can from scratch (at least I did until I had this lttle peanut). I normally don't buy too many convenience foods.
If I think of other ideas I'll do another post.

Katie says:
Convenience food IS a big issue for us, not just fast food, but the stuff from the "middle" of the grocery store.

Katie Krebs said...

Honestly, I'd rather spend more than take the time to clip coupons. To me, even something like the Grocery Game, which simplifies the whole coupon thing alot, is too time consuming.

When Josh goes shopping with me, he adds up the prices as we go so he always knows exactly how much it's costing us. We always spend less when he does that. If I'm shopping by myself I won't take the time though--it's too much for me to keep track of.

Saving $ ...KIDS AND SCHOOL

2008-12-19T16:41:00.003-06:00

Katie Krebs said...

hmm...well, I don't have any ideas for you here, but remember: homeschooling is cheaper than private school!

Saving $ ...ENTERTAINMENT

2008-12-19T16:40:00.009-06:00

from Steve:
Redbox

from Suzanne:
Nashville Citipass! :)

currently "buy one, get one" free on their website. i split it w/a friend, and we each paid $15. i've already used 2 coupons...and saved $10. :) GREAT deal!

LOTS of restaurant and "entertainment" coupons

Katie Krebs said...

If you rent alot of movies, you can save money buy getting a netflix account. It pays for itself pretty quickly. It only saves you money if you're a frequent customer at Blockbuster. If you rent two new releases from Blockbuster every month then you've already spent almost twice as much as you would have spent on your monthly netflix bill.

Saving $ ...HOUSEHOLD

2008-12-19T16:40:00.008-06:00

Kristi said...

Make your own fabric care products:
just so you know!
dryer bags:
http://tipnut.com/homemade-herbal-lavender-dryer-bags/

lavendar softener:
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080130094130AAMp7MU
http://www.thriftyfun.com/tf105050.tip.html

homemade soap:
http://www.welcometomybrain.net/2008/07/christines-homemade-laundry-detergent.html
http://chetroy.com/healthyvegan/?p=135

and you can throw in a wad of aluminum foil to reduce static in the dryer.

someday I will try the bags and soap! and someday I will learn how to post a link in a comment.

Katie says:
Can you really put aluminum foil in the dryer?!?!

from Steve:
Invest in some *good* insulated socks for all four of you. When you crank the thermostat down to 65 or so it makes the winters more bearable.

from Lorie:
Many homemade household cleaners use vinegar. Check out http://www.versatilevinegar.org/. If you do an internet search I'm sure you can find other "recipes" for household cleaners. I think Money Saving Mom did a post on this but I haven't found it, yet.

Saving $ ...OTHER

2008-12-19T16:33:00.003-06:00

S said...

i like to sign up for the email newsletters for my favorite stores...because they usually email coupons! however, my inbox was getting too many emails...and my personal emails were getting lost in the shuffle. those were most important to me! so, i created a separate email address. i use it to sign up for email newsletters from all of our favorite stores/restaurants, etc. it's helped me have all of those in one place, and it keeps my "personal" email address neat and tidy. :)

2008-12-02T17:18:00.004-06:00

This picture is from one of my favorite illustrators
when I was a kid.
When I discovered this the other day,
I definitely felt warm fuzzies.
What's your favorite thing to do on a chilly night?

Happy Thanksgiving!!

2008-11-27T10:57:00.003-06:00

I decided to scan the past few months of my blog to put together this list of what I'm thankful for this year. It's definitely not comprehensive, but it's more than enough.

rainy days...to do lists...Michelle...large capacity washer/dryer...scouts...Clifford...pb & j...my funny friend...deep breaths...The Ski Ninja...thin mints...Crash...campfire...happy cups...ugly flowers...Sundays...karaoke...PBS...hamsters...creeks...clean bedrooms...Lily Grace...second summer...fudge pie and DDP...water slides...meds...Shelli...Jane Austen...chore lists...dream homes...red hair...dad...Scrabble...Star Wars...my crown club card...Sunshine Laundromat...homeschooling...my precious, kind, strong, smart, patient husband

...and words

Could I get a yawn, please?

2008-11-25T23:14:00.003-06:00

A very bizarre thing is happening in my world. I'm not tired. Yes, you heard me right, I am wide awake. It's been like this for the past four nights. When I would normally be holding my eyes open with toothpicks by 8:30, I have been perfectly alert during all the late night talk shows that would usually put me to sleep.

This is not a good thing. It would be a great thing if I was just back to my old self, the one who only needed 6 or 7 hours of sleep. But the new and improved medicated me needs about 9 solid hours a night. So if you do the math, you know I'm saying good morning around 9 or 10am. This is not a good thing.

I used to love being a night owl, but this is just irritating. Any suggestions? (please note that "getting up earlier" is something I'm trying to do, but my body is not cooperating) (oh, and I don't drink any caffeine either)

Off you go...

2008-11-24T09:42:00.002-06:00

So last night I had to make a Target run, then I went to return a Redbox movie at McDonald's. When I pulled in I saw a man walk up to a car, undoubtedly asking for money. He was wearing pajamas and holding his hands up, which I guess is supposed to make us trust him. I decided to brave it and return my movie. While I stood at the machine I could hear him saying, "I just don't know what we're gonna do!...Oh thank you, thanks so much, God bless you." I knew I would be next on the list, but I was determined to rent a movie.

I glued my eyes to the screen and scrolled through new releases, but in my peripherals there he was. He was about ten feet away, again with the hands up, saying "mam, I hate to bother you but..."

If Chris had been there he would tell you that I would have listened and if I believed the story at all I might have given him the few dollars I had with me. I like helping people who are used to hearing no. BUT Chris was not with me, and I recalled a hilarious and empowering conversation I had with Katie Jo a few months ago.

I turned to him, held up my "talk to the hand" hand, and said "I don't talk to strange men who come up to me at night when I am by myself." And yes, there was a little bit of Woodbine attitude in it.

The guy apologized, walked away, and drove off in his car that is worth more than both of mine combined.

homeschool heart...

2008-11-19T11:31:00.001-06:00

from http://www.classicalhomeschooling.org/homeschooling/burnout.html

Fatigue and Discouragement

Why do we get burnt out in the first place? Fatigue, fatigue, fatigue; and discouragement, if we don’t see results right away. It’s sometimes much harder to see the results of our homeschooling, our work, than it is for someone working 8 to 5 and getting a paycheck for it. That paycheck, the result of their labor, keeps the 8 to 5er going; but what do we have to motivate ourselves when we don’t see the results of our teaching? That’s when discouragement can set in. So let’s look at both the problems of fatigue and discouragement.

If you are burnt out because you are tired, then take a week or two off of schooling! Sleep, rest, and do some fun stuff with your kids. Get the laundry and the cleaning caught up. It’s amazing how strongly clutter, and those nagging unfinished jobs in back of our minds, can sap our energy. Make a dent in the stack of papers needing grading and filing. Taking some time off will not hurt the kids. The only consequence is that you will finish school a week or two later than you planned in the summer.

In order to beat this kind of burnout before it happens, we school for six weeks, then take a week off. We do this for six blocks of six weeks each, for thirty-six weeks of school, which meets my state’s requirement with two weeks to spare. During our six weeks of school, we do not take off holidays such as Columbus Day or President’s Day. We keep the momentum going, Monday through Friday, with our week break in the not-too-distant future as the reward for our work. The six-one ratio has worked well for us, and God used the same ratio in working for six days to create the world, then taking one day to rest.

Meeting the Physical Demands

We only help ourselves head off both fatigue and discouragement before it happens when we help our bodies work efficiently. We should be getting enough sleep, drinking lots of water, taking a walk everyday, getting out in the sun (when it’s shining), and taking our minerals and vitamins. Often as homeschoolers, we might think we can’t afford the time it takes to get enough sleep or take a walk everyday. We might think we can’t afford vitamins or minerals. Really, we can’t afford not to. When we let our bodies get run down through overwork, fatigue, lack of exercise, and lack of the vitamins and minerals it needs in order to work properly, then we are more susceptible to burnout and discouragement, as well as illness. We end up paying the piper anyway, both in time and in money. Better to pay it in small daily increments of daily exercise and vitamins, and remain healthy with a positive attitude, than pay it all at once by being ill for several weeks with expensive doctor visits.

We can also prevent burnout by finding ways to do our work more efficiently. Read Don Aslett’s books on housecleaning and learn to clean your house like a professional: they know how to get the job done in the least amount of time possible. Cook once a month or every few weeks and put meals in the freezer for school days. Delegate chores to your children. Even five-year-olds can dust or fold laundry. Get up early if you are a morning person or stay up late if you are a night person, and use that one or more hours of uninterrupted time to study, prepare lessons or grade papers. You can accomplish more in one hour if you are focused and undistracted than in six hours with constant interruptions.

Meeting the Emotional & Spiritual Demands

And of course, besides the physical demands of homeschooling and homemaking, there are emotional and spiritual demands as well. When these demands become too great, then we get fatigued and discouraged, and that leads to burnout. We must replenish our resources continually by abiding in the vine that is the Root of Life and all good things. Develop the habit of living in God’s presence. When my children were small, I found it nearly impossible to maintain a separate daily prayer time as had been my wont. The demands on my time and energy were just too great. I learned to speak to God while washing dishes and hanging laundry on the line; I learned to listen to His voice while cooking and settling sibling disputes. I found my daily relationship with Jesus deepened rather than compromised when I took Him out of my prayer closet, and included Him in the diaper-changing and rocking the little ones to sleep. I found that rather than being aware of Him and being in His presence for one hour daily, I was now aware of Him and living in His presence for twenty-four hours daily.

Develop an “attitude of gratitude” by giving thanks in everything, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for us. The joy of the Lord is our strength, and praise is becoming to the upright. No matter how black the situation, there is always something we can find for which to sincerely thank Him. His glory and majesty are not diminished because we are having a bad day; take a minute and worship the Lord of Heaven and Earth just for no other reason than who He is. When we are living in His presence, maintaining an attitude of praise and thanksgiving for all He does for us daily, then something happens to us. Jets travel in the stratosphere because all the weather happens in the troposhere, and it’s a lot easier to just avoid the weather than fly through it. That something that happens to us is like flying through the stratosphere and avoiding the weather in the troposphere. Life on the one hand has not changed for us, and yet on the other hand everything has changed. We find the inner peace, strength, and patience with which to cope, with enthusiasm and exuberence. It is because we are living “in Him,” and He Himself is the Prince of Peace; God Almighty whose name is like a strong tower, the Everlasting Father who is long-suffering and forbearing.

Maintain daily or consistent Bible-reading. If it seems like no matter what, you cannot make the time for it, get the Bible on tape and take a Walkman with you when you have your daily walk; exercise your body and feed your spirit in one time slot. :-)

Realizing our Limitations

And finally, we have to realize our limitations. In homeschooling, we have committed to two full-time jobs: teaching and homemaking. Each one by itself is a full-time job, so it’s no wonder that we get tired and discouraged. We need the Lord’s strength in order to do the job. We cannot do this job by relying on our strength; it’s too big for that. Our strength, our resources are not adequate. But the Lord’s strength and His resources are more than adequate! He is generous and willing to give freely. His help is available. So how do we “get” it? Ask and receive by faith through grace, just as we “got” salvation. “We have not because we ask not.” If we can’t get organized, then we need order. If we are discouraged, then we need encouragement. If we are overwhelmed, then we need help. If we no longer care, then we need motivation. The Lord is able to order, encourage, help, and motivate us, and provide anything else that we are in need of, if we only ask Him.

------

2008-11-07T09:21:00.002-06:00

I have nothing interesting and useful to say today. Nothing is wrong. Nothing is fabulous. It's just another day, and that is totally fine with me. I'll take it.

ABCs at 7am

2008-11-01T07:39:00.004-05:00

There's something very wrong about getting up at 7 am Saturday morning. I'm off to an all day CPR and First Aid Training course. I have to drive all the way to Fairview because I couldn't get into any of the other free classes that the girl scouts are offering. This will definitely require caffeine, so I'm giving myself a morning dose today.

I'm hoping that I will retain as much as possible. The only thing I can remember from the last time time I did this, which was about ten years ago, is A (airway), B (breathing), and C (...uhh...umm...what was it?).

(...much, much later in the day...) CIRCULATION!!!

a mom thing

2008-10-30T09:03:00.003-05:00

I always wanted to be a mother. I felt like I had a lot of love to give. I dreamed about being a nurturer, a counselor, a comforter. Back then it all sounded so perfect: baking brownies, coloring with crayons, putting on band-aids. In many ways it has been perfect, being in moments that you know you will never forget. I have all those great memories stored up in my heart for the day when my children fly away with dreams of their own.

I'm not sure I want to hang on to the memories of this week! Both of my children have had a stomach virus. Stephen was first. He threw up or dry heaved every half hour for 12 hours. So every half hour I held the trash can, wiped his mouth, and listened to him suffer. In between times, even at 4 in the morning, he talked about his ideas on why people get sick and how he wishes there were "no such thing as getting sick anywhere". He was so miserable, and I was so tired.

Last night I woke to a terrible sound and found Jane over the toilet. She apologized for getting some on the floor. So we did what we always do: cover the couch with a sheet, get her pillow and pink bear, get the footstool and the trash can and a wet washcloth. And here we've been for the past five hours. I just finished explaining to her (when she apologized again) that I've already cleaned up the bathroom and it didn't bother me at all. She is so sad to be sick, and to Jane there's nothing worse than throw-up.

I wish I didn't have to remember these times, the hours of pain, the moans and groans, and the tears. But it's part of life. I know that they will remember these times, and I hope they remember I was with them every minute. Where else would I be? They are my children, my children.

My dreams came true.

Inheritance

2008-10-20T09:34:00.003-05:00

I inherited my love for Scrabble from my grandmother. I gravitate toward the mall because of my mom. I learned to cheat at Monopoly, climb trees, and play Star Wars from my brothers.

I inherited heaven-mindedness from my dad. I grew up knowing that I wasn't home yet, that something wonderful was coming. I've imagined what it must be like to live in absolute peace. And while I confess that my longing for heaven has often been selfish, I really have longed to just sit at God's feet and feel that absolute adoration that a young child can have for a parent.

But in the last two years, my assurance of what heaven will be has been challenged. I went through my first real crisis of belief about the reality of heaven, among other things. I was in the dark long enough to believe that there might not be any perfect peace, ever. I never really stopping believing it was there, but it didn't stir my heart anymore. I prayed and searched and asked God to let me feel that longing again.

I love the way He is...

Yesterday as we closed worship I lifted my face as high as I could, held out hands of invitation, and sang at the top of my lungs. My heart soared and I felt as if the roof would come off the building and we would all be lifted up to heaven.

So now I am inheriting heaven-heartedness from my Father.

And can it be that I should gain
An interest in the Savior’s blood?
Died He for me, who caused His pain—
For me, who Him to death pursued?
Amazing love! How can it be,
That Thou, my God, shouldst die for me?

He left His Father’s throne above
So free, so infinite His grace—
Emptied Himself of all but love,
And bled for Adam’s helpless race:
’Tis mercy all, immense and free,
For O my God, it found out me!

Long my imprisoned spirit lay,
Fast bound in sin and nature’s night;
Thine eye diffused a quickening ray—
I woke, the dungeon flamed with light;
My chains fell off, my heart was free,
I rose, went forth, and followed Thee.

No condemnation now I dread;
Jesus, and all in Him, is mine;
Alive in Him, my living Head,
And clothed in righteousness divine,
Bold I approach th’eternal throne,
And claim the crown, through Christ my own.

Amazing love! How can it be,That Thou, my God, shouldst die for me?

Thumbs Up? Thumbs Down?

2008-10-17T21:51:00.004-05:00

Anyone noticed my movie reviews to the right? Check it out.

And yes, I go to the movies a lot. But I live five minutes from a theater and they frequently give me free concessions and movie tickets thanks to my Regal Crown Club card.

Besides, it's cheaper than going shopping.

yaaawwnnn...

2008-10-15T22:09:00.001-05:00

I'm getting sleepy...very sleepy!

Mission Possible

2008-10-12T14:14:00.002-05:00

Well, the cub scout family campout is over. Stephen was actually too delirious to miss Clifford much, and he was definitely on a mission to fit in and be a big man. Mission accomplished.

O-M-G!!

2008-10-10T17:17:00.003-05:00

Stephen is NOT taking Clifford on the campout this weekend. Says he doesn't want to be embarrassed (even though we'll be sleeping in our own family tent). I'll let you know how he holds up...

(If you do not understand the enormity of this choice, you need to get to know Stephen!) :)

Thanks, Clive

2008-10-09T18:35:00.002-05:00

Not sure if you've noticed, but I replaced my Jane Austen quotes with C.S. Lewis quotes. This one is very reassuring for aspiring writers and artists...for me, anyway.

Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it.

Doing well...

2008-10-09T18:14:00.002-05:00

Well, as I stated before, it's not an exact science. My forecast was a little off, partially due to every woman's least favorite monthly visitor. Monday night a major headache started, and it is still lingering. I call it my "headband" headache because it hurts all the way across the top of my head. Tuesday was okay, just was a zombie by 5:30. Wednesday was really good, and today was just fine. And now I'm getting ready to spend the whole weekend with our Cub Scouts, which I'm pretty sure will not help the headache :)

The sweet/sad thing is that Stephen didn't even realize I would be going on this Family Campout until yesterday. I didn't go last year because I was in rough shape, and I guess he assumed I wouldn't go again this year. So when I starting saying "we" and "us" yesterday, he said "Mom, are you going??" Yep. "Yessss!! My whole family is going on the family campout! Me, mom, dad, and Jane. This is gonna be awe-some!" I was torn between feeling like a disappointment and loving how much my presence added to his pleasure.

So, all in all, I am even more at peace about the changes we've made. God is helping us put life back in order, and I'm more optimistic about life than I've been in a while.

Hopefully I'll be blogging about better and brighter things soon!

How's the Weather Down There?

2008-10-06T12:27:00.006-05:00

As predicted, I'm more stable and energetic than last week. We've learned the patterns that come when I change anything with meds. A couple of really great energetic days, then a couple of lower days, then we get to see what the real products of the changes are.

So, since I'm in the energetic part, it was no surprise that I literally jumped out of bed to clean up Stephen's bedroom this morning or that Jane is now a couple of weeks ahead in her drama class preparations. We even scoured the kitchen cabinets for those box tops for education labels for our tutorial - a project that would normally fall off the bottom of the list.

But it's not an exact science. Yesterday I slept 'til noon, then went to a movie with Jen, then to church. I was very relaxed and even did some teaching prep after the kids went to bed. But somewhere in the middle of searching the internet and watching pieces of Brothers and Sisters, the pain in my chest started to swell. So I went to Chris, who was on the couch relishing the final moments of Sunday football, and said "I think I need to cry." So he made room for me to rest on that part of his chest that is mine and waited. Only two tears came, and then I was ready to sleep. And I slept hard.

So what's next? Here's the five day forecast:
Monday evening - mostly sunny, comfortable temperatures
Tuesday - slightly warmer, some passing clouds
Wednesday - chance of thunderstorms, some rain, hot and humid
Thursday - the wet weather rolls in, keep your umbrella handy
Friday - things should clear up as we start to see the clouds move out , normal temp for this time of year

That's my attempt to be light-hearted about it all. The peace comes in knowing that God is either really good for letting us in on how this usually works or He is really sweet for letting this be easier than we expect or He is really wise for giving us another hard lesson to learn.

As my homies used to say...it's all good.

No Deal

2008-10-03T16:33:00.003-05:00

Well, I guess I gave it a shot.

Tomorrow I have to increase my antidepressant dosage back to where it was before August.

Been in bed, in my pajamas, or in my own little world since Monday. I've accomplished very little since the bottom fell out. My entire list of accomplishments this week includes the laundry run, heating lunch for the kids twice, throwing together a pitiful lesson for my class at tutorial, showing up at c'group, taking a twenty minute walk, and about an hour's worth of schooling. The rest of it is all naps, tv shows, potato chips, and tears.

It could totally be worse. I haven't had any of those dangerous thoughts or locked myself away in the dark. I've just been flat.

I hoped I would upswing naturally, but I haven't. I've prayed about it, and thankfully the Lord has set aside any pride about this and given me peace that there's really nothing wrong with taking this step back for now.

So that's that.

Lessons Learned at the Laundromat:

2008-10-02T15:16:00.004-05:00

It takes only 2 1/2 hours to do 15 loads of laundry at the laundromat.
Black garbage bags work well when you don't have a zillion laundry baskets.
Save your back, have the kids unload!
While the kids unload the van, start washin'. The first load will be ready to go to the dryer by the time the last load hits the wash.
Always bring the Ipod with Charlie Brown reruns downloaded. Makes for a peaceful start.
When it's time to dry, check to see if the quarter slot is covered with tape before putting your clothes in.
Dry two loads together.
Nine year olds think the laundromat is cool; therefore, they are excellent helpers.
Seven year olds watch the dryer saying, "There goes the Little Mermaid washcloth!" and "I think I'm gonna be sick!"
When doing mass amounts of laundry, don't bring a magazine. You won't have time to read it.
The hum of dryers may actually help children focus on their math homework.
The laundromat drink machine is out of everything except purple Gatorade.
It's worth the embarrassment of walking in and out with fifteen loads of laundry to come home to an empty laundry room.

*This post is dedicated to my sweet friends who never believe me when I say my house is a disaster. Thanks for your naivety!*

Another Monday

2008-09-15T10:11:00.007-05:00

Today I will:

catch up on laundry------check!
mail my fundraising letters (Hollis adoption)
educate my kiddos-------check!
clean out my email
go to the boy scout store------check!
do two flower estimates
gather stuff for mom's yard sale next week
wash dad's van------check!
buy a used ipod for Chris (shhh, it's a secret)-----check!
pick up a school book at Logos------check!
have girls' night with Jane----check!
and FINALLY hug my father since he's no longer contagious!!!!! -----double check!!

This may come as a surprise to you, but I'm actually not overwhelmed...yet...

5:17pm still not overwhelmed...only five more hours to go...

Fever!

2008-09-08T16:12:00.003-05:00

Well, I finally have it...the fever. House fever, that is. I've never really had it before, so I thought I might be immune. Alas, I am not. In the last two days I've spent two or three hours (that I did not have to spare) looking at houses online. (I will not name the friend who exposed me to this illness, but you know who you are!)

One discovers things about oneself when pouring over the many listings. I now know that I am a yard snob. Nothing less than .3 acres looks satisfactory, and if there isn't an ancient shade tree somewhere it'll be a tough sell.

Also, I am praying that we don't purchase a split level home...not that there's anything wrong with that! I just don't enjoy the little three or four step diddies all over the place. I also want an entry with no stairs so all the old folks in our life can actually come visit us.

And there has to be a common room that does not contain a television, so one living room is not sufficient. There's gotta be a den or bonus or something, and that something will probably double as a school room...

That thing I've dreaded so long: a school room. There are families all over who set up a school room, complete with student desks, chalkboard, bulletin board, those wavey borders, and a bell. I am not one of those people. Instead we have become a family without a dining room because the d.r. table is covered with papers, books, laptop, bags, and all the other stuff that "normal" families drop on their tables.

And in my dream world, there is a guest bedroom tucked away decorated in sky blue and white with fresh flowers and natural light and a great view of my million dollar landscaped garden.

Oh yeah...can you say "two bathrooms" ???

Urgent Prayer Needs in India:

2008-09-04T22:10:00.004-05:00

Please go to the following links to learn about the killing, torture, and persecution of our brothers and sisters in the state of Orissa in India. I've also posted a map where you can see the location of our friends in the state of Rajasthan as compared to Orissa. Please, please lift up these Indian believers before the throne and ask that His kingdom purposes will be accomplished, that His children will stand firm in the faith, and that there will be a great revival in India.

http://www.persecution.net/in-2008-08-27.htm

http://www.persecution.net/in-2008-09-03.htm

Worthwhile...

2008-09-04T12:32:00.004-05:00

Stephen is predictably gazing out the window instead of writing. The sun reflects in his eyes as he says,

"Mom? When the wind blows the trees it looks like they're saying goodbye. They're waving goodbye to me." Now there's something to write about...

beautiful words:

2008-09-02T09:25:00.001-05:00

Mommy, will you brush my hair?

While waiting...

2008-09-01T20:00:00.003-05:00

So while my dad was in and out of the hospital this week waiting for relief from excruciating pain, I was worried to say the least. I'm so thankful that dad got his long-awaited diagnosis of shingles so he could get some kind of relief from his pain. But while we waited, I found myself reflecting on the things that my dad used to say were important to him, songs that he wanted us to remember at the end of his life. While I hate sounding morbid, you've got to understand that I truly, truly cherish my father. He is wonderfully imperfect and radiantly awaiting heaven, and I expect Him to zoom on out of this world as soon as the Lord will let him. This song came to mind, though we haven't sung it together in a long, long time. It was a blessing to redirect my thoughts to the Lord as I read over the less familiar third verse, remembering the beautiful gift of Jesus and the sometimes painful work of sanctification.

So I’ll cherish the old rugged cross,
Till my trophies at last I lay down;
I will cling to the old rugged cross,
And exchange it some day for a crown.

In that old rugged cross, stained with blood so divine,
A wondrous beauty I see,
For ’twas on that old cross Jesus suffered and died,
To pardon and sanctify me.

To the old rugged cross I will ever be true;
Its shame and reproach gladly bear;
Then He’ll call me some day to my home far away,
Where His glory forever I’ll share.

my other Jane...

2008-08-25T10:16:00.007-05:00

So there's Jane, my daughter, and there's Jane, my grandmother.

But did you know there was another Jane in my life?

Last night I finally reached my goal of reading all Jane Austen's novels. I had read Sense and Sensibility and Pride and Prejudice before. This summer I read the other four: Emma, Mansfield Park, Persuasion, and Northanger Abbey. I loved them all. They have all the similarities of setting and period, and even quite a few repetitious names. But they are so different! Some started slow, some ended rather flat, some were downright comical!

To celebrate this journey, I have added a "Jane Austen quotes" application to my blog. So check in daily to see the insights, wisdom, and humor of my other Jane...

Math Wars

2008-08-20T11:23:00.004-05:00

Here's my life at 11:05 on Wednesday morning. On my left I'm repeating "how many from seven to ten? okay how many from ten to ____? so what's _____ minus seven?" On my right I'm talking through every step of triple digit multiplication for the fourteenth time today, trying not to pull my hair out. No wonder my brain hurts.

Twelve hours later...
I've just finished a highly detailed color-coded visual chart including every step of triple digit multiplication. I'm pretty sure I should send/sell it to our math curriculum company. If this doesn't help tomorrow I may go back to bed and hide under the covers until the next day.

2008-08-19T15:47:00.005-05:00

tired...stressed...headache...overwhelmed...guilty...sad...empathetic
...busy...overloaded...rushed...crowded...chaotic...hardhearted...
angry...self-righteous...greedy...distracted...lazy...selfish...
inadequate...empty...removed...

"I AM"

the meek shall inherit the earth, so I've got nothin'

2008-08-18T12:28:00.002-05:00

I read a great devotion this morning from I Peter 3:4 about "the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price." Thankfully the author was upfront about her own shortcomings. I came away thinking that meekness truly resides in the soul, and that I could surely muster up enough self control and serenity to get through the first day of school without totally losing it.

However...

We were one hour and fifteen minutes in when the tiny eruptions began, one right after another, in my brain. I repeated the same instruction to one child at least nine times, yet it remained undone as the seconds on my new clock ticked away. I talked through a review of last year's math slowly with the other child until they couldn't recall a simple addition fact and burst out in tears.

So here I sit, having cut the school day in half, feeling like I was just hit by an eighteen wheeler. The good news is that I only slightly raised my voice one time, the children have not complained (yet) about their new chore charts, and they are off the spend the afternoon with my dad so I can go meet our new nephew when he is born via c-section in a couple of hours.

I have about twenty hours before another day is in full swing. I know it's going to take some prayer and meditation on the Lord to acquire this thing called meekness, and I know the task will never be complete. And I bet the admission that I can't muster it up with determination and self control is the first step to getting my eyes off myself and turning them to the I AM.

Here we go!

2008-08-17T17:36:00.003-05:00

I have no creative words right now, just lists. Done and not done.

DONE: Went to doctor last week and decided to put the medicine reduction on "hold". This is not a bad thing! I went to a half dose successfully (we think) and have seen some positive effects, the biggest one being my increased energy.
DONE: Folded (take a deep breath) fourteen loads of laundry that have piled up in the last three weeks. Don't misunderstand...they were clean, we were just stepping over them as they lay in the laundry room floor. My kids were instrumental in this task, and they never complained (I love them).
NOT DONE: Dining room table, a.k.a. school table, is not clear of papers, McDonalds cups, work receipts, and the stack of books I read or meant to read this summer. SCHOOL STARTS TOMORROW, so this must be completed today!
DONE: Took two hour nap today to recover from all the late night Olympics. Thankfully all my favorite sports are over, and my sleeplessness was not in vain. Nastia and Shawn rocked!
NOT DONE: All preparations for the little class I will teach at the kids tutorial. The goal was to have lesson plans prepped through Christmas so that I wouldn't get stressed out along the way. I've got about five weeks planned which now has to be (cringe) good enough (one of the most difficult phrases for me to apply to myself).
DONE: Printed, color coded, laminated, and posted chore charts, room responsibilities, bathroom checklists, hamster care reminder, and my own daily reminders. Very fun to prepare, unsure of execution.
NOT DONE: Random acts of kindness for my husband who has seen "the beast" poke it's little head out during the medicine changes.
DONE: School prep. I'm totally ready and eager to get back in the swing of things. There's always a little rush right before we start. Check back in about three weeks and you may hear a different story!

So, all in all, this is alright. I'll go clean my table off, set aside the tutorial prep notes, and kiss my husband right on the lips. Not sure why it's so cleansing to float my to do lists out on the web, but it is. 'Til next time!

a quick note...

2008-08-08T17:04:00.002-05:00

Just a quick update for now. I'm trying not to dwell on the medicine change much, trying to just take it all in stride and do each day's tasks. Still unsure if this will be a permanent change. If I'm a mess it just may not be worth it to stop. On the other hand, the Lord has let me see that either way I need to be less reliant on medicine and more trusting in Him for the control and stability of my emotions. I can't just coast through my life and relationships thinking that a drug will curb all the extreme and impulsive feelings and thoughts, some of which are just part of my sinful nature and not necessarily due to any physical disorder. He requires and delights in my moment by moment dependence on Him to provide the on-the-spot forgiveness, the merciful and gentle spirit, the patience and Christ-like love that He calls me to give away to my family, friends, and the world. This is a lesson worth learning, even with the displeasure of nausea, a few tears, and the roller coaster of insomnia and exhaustion.
So we'll see what the next few weeks hold as our school life resumes and I try to assume more responsibilities in our home. Pray that I will not walk in a spirit of defeat, but one of victory as a redeemed child of God whose past, present, and future are secure. Pray that Chris, Jane, Stephen and I will be open to learning and accepting with open hands all that the Lord has to teach us and give us in the near future.
...you didn't really believe this would be a quick did you?

2008-07-31T18:17:00.002-05:00

It helps if you remember to take your medicine every day. Now I'm queasy, tearful, sensitive to noise, and trying to be very, very still. It's tough to remember that this feeling will soon pass.

Brave...or foolish

2008-07-30T09:54:00.012-05:00

Look what I did on Sunday!

So far, so good

2008-07-29T11:59:00.003-05:00

So yesterday was really exciting because I had so much energy. I was so encouraged. It was good for me to see something positive come from decreasing meds, which hasn 't been the case in such a long time.

Just to clarify, I've been reviewing my types of medications and dosages every 3-8 weeks with my psychiatrist for just over two years. Before that I had been off all meds for nearly four years. I hated going back on, but if you only knew what my rock bottom was like you'd understand my intense fear of going off again. I'll probably stay on the other medication since it has minimal side effects and great benefits.

By 7 last night, the energy was disappearing. I went on to bed around 8:30, and by 9 I could feel my spirits sinking a little. But who cares...no tears or anything, just ready to end the day snuggled up to Chris and getting a good night's sleep.

Thanks again for all the prayers and encouragement. My prayer for you is that you will read this and be reminded of how attentive our God is to hear us, and that you will be driven to lift all your requests and intercessions to Him with increasing fervor and faithfulness.

And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19

2008-07-28T09:39:00.002-05:00

Thanks so much for all the encouragement and promises of prayer. It's hard to look back at blatant honesty without feeling a little regret or embarrassment, but I know it was the right thing for me.

One of my sweet friends sent me an email saying: "it must seem a little like going on a trip without knowing what to pack or how long you'll be there." She's absolutely right.

Sunday Chris and I decided to sleep in, then we spent several hours at the Wave Pool. It was very relaxing and I engaged with my family and just had fun with them. The Lord was clearly hearing the prayers of His people. I'm asking Him to remove the frenzy of thoughts I have about this whole mess and replace them with thoughts of calm confidence that He has my family and I in His hands.

The only physical challenge I'm having right now is getting to sleep at night. That's a result of having more energy, which is a huge benefit. Truthfully, I don't even know what to think about having energy. It's been so long since I've been able to focus on my role as a homemaker that I don't know where to begin! I want to re-learn how to balance house keeping with relationships with my family. In the past everything has been one extreme or the other. I keep imagining what it might feel like to...

I don't know how to explain this. I have never felt easy flowing from one part of life to the next. I was always giving all I had to one area, to the extent that I had little or nothing left for the other areas. It's exciting to think about not chopping myself up into so many pieces. I'm not being too idealistic here; I know the life of a wife, mother, homemaker, homeschooler, friend is a complex juggling act.

This is probaby coming across as nonsense, so I better close it out. The short of it is that I'm feeling a twinge of optimism about what the future might hold.

Thanks again for all your prayers. Love to all.

time to pray...

2008-07-26T22:45:00.007-05:00

I'm going off my anti-depressant. May seem crazy to you given that I just had a low post the other day. My doctor and I had talked about it a few weeks ago, and then I missed two days in a row earlier this week (bad memory), so I just figured what the heck? It's already going out of my system, so why not just let it? I've gone to a half dose now, but still forgotten it a day or two since then. Guess I'm not being very nice to my body.

I've heard a lot of bad stories about coming off this medication. Personally, here's my deal so far. I've got a pretty constant headache, which is unusual for me. No, I haven't taken anything for it so far. I'm pretty reluctant to add anything else to the mix, but I'm heading straight for the Ibuprofen after this post. I've been pretty nauseas (sp?), too, which is quite unpleasant. Since I'm not so drugged up I've had trouble getting to sleep at night. I even took a sleep aid (prescribed) last night and it made no difference at all. We'll see how tonight goes.

The greater issue may be that I suddenly have access to a wider range of emotions than I've had in a long while. If something is annoying me, it really annoys me, whereas for the past few months I could pass over it pretty well. If I get angry, I feel some stronger emotions than I've had access to in a long time. And if my feelings get hurt, as they did just a few moments ago, I can apparently have a long, intense cry, which has only periodically happened of late. It's not a "I want to die" cry, but it's still long and ugly.

The daily challenge for the next couple of weeks is deciding if I want to keep coming off or go back up to the full dose I was on before. It's either worth it, meaning I could be less medicated, have more energy, and feel things in a more "normal" sense. It could mean better worship and openness with God than I've had in a couple of years. That would be awesome. OR it's not worth it, meaning I'm harsh towards my children, acting in rage towards my husband, and totally erratic and unpredictable with my emotions and what follows them. It could cause some kind of relapse, which could mean a break down and inability to function (worse case scenario, I hope).

I was about to say this decision rests on me, but the Truth comes to mind that it really isn't in my hands. It just feels that way.

Pray that I will find a way to release this scary task to the Lord.

Pray that I will re-learn self-control as I get familiar with my emotions again.

Pray that my husband will be with me and continue to extend grace and forgiveness in this process. He's truly amazing.

Pray that my children will be protected by the power and wisdom of God that I can hardly comprehend.

Pray that I will be humble, steadfast, and focused on the big picture.

Pray that if this change can really be accomplished right now that I will step into a new world of joy and start to thrive in my "new" life. I am still on my other medication, and it should be a very, very good thing to experience life with the support it provides without the added "control" of the anti-depressant (sorry if I didn't state that very well). Haven't been able to pull this off so far in the last two years.
Pray that I won't over-analyze every detail, that I'll just chill out sometimes and let things unfold without picking the tiny things to death.

Pray that my story, the one God designed for me, will somehow, in ways I can't imagine, be part of His greater story. That His kingdom may be increased by these things that are exhausting to me, my family, and my friends. That I will someday "shine like a star in the heavens" here on earth, free to show joy and passion and love in the name of Christ Jesus. You may be so kind to say that this is already happening, but that really doesn't help right now. I can be a pretty good actor, and I know there is more.

I know this is all intense. I appreciate you if you've read to the end here. We'll see what the next few weeks bring.

The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?
If God is for us, who can be against us?
He will keep in perfect peace, those whose mind is steadfast because he trusts in Him. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord is the rock eternal.

typose for you and me

2008-07-25T15:20:00.005-05:00

Are you ever tempted to just sendo ut an email or post something on your blog with all yout typos and spelling mistakes ans see ywho can make it out? Sine I never took typing you wouldnt' believe heo w many times I "bakspace when I'm ytyping! Spelling isn't as much of a problem though you might not be ableto tell the diefferncr right now. Reoply on this and loieave your typos, or just make me fell like I'm ths onely one. Thant;'s fuine.

2008-07-22T13:50:00.003-05:00

So my heart is a little heavy today. It's so strange that I can feel heart ache and not know why. There are some logical reasons: my friend Shelli left for India yesterday, I had conversation with depth with a girlfriend this morning, my husband is too tired and overheated to spoil me this week. I guess anyone would say that's enough to shake things up.

But when I feel the ache in my chest I just assume there must be more to it. It's like watching one of those modern movies where all the action takes place in slow motion; someone hit me in the middle of my chest, my body flies backwards while my head and shoulders are flung forward. Only in my movie there's nothing to break the impact, no wall to hit or floor to land on. I just keep going back and back and back and the sequence doesn't end before the end of the shot.

I just have to close my eyes and wait. I have to breathe until I find a place to land.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to move forward today. I think I'll do the dishes and maybe some laundry. I know I'll take a shower, but my family will be shocked if we have a dinner that I made myself at the table tonight.

It sounds so simple. It's just not.

strange

2008-07-15T11:30:00.001-05:00

It's a strange, strange day when I'm telling the kids to stop yelling across the house "I love you Jane!!!" and "I love you Stephen!!!"

making plans...

2008-07-14T14:22:00.002-05:00

There's really no direction for writing this, I just know it's time to post again. My sweet friend Shelli just left with her boys. They leave for India again in one week. The kids played games and dressed up for nerf gun battles. Then after lunch they played in the water outside. We filled up a big storage container with water for them to refill their water guns, but they opted to climb in and sit in the water instead. At one point, Stephen and Isaac were just sitting there seeing who could scream the loudest and cracking up. It's so good to see them all playing together.

We planned our last girls' night for tomorrow night, so we'll be hitting Logos bookstore, Panera, Davis Kidd bookstore, and the fancy stores at Green Hills Mall. Hopefully we'll save the tears for another day.

We also started planning for my visit there next year, though Chris and I haven't really come to a final decision about this yet. But it was fun to plan anyway.

The clock on my laptop shows it's 12:30, which I know is not true. But I did lose track of time today while spending time with a dear friend, watching our children play as if they never spent years apart.

I know there is laundry to fold and some swimming to be done, but that's a much shorter list than I've had in quite some time. So maybe I'll just start the next book on my list and enjoy the calm that comes after spending time with a good friend.

It must be

2008-06-30T12:35:00.002-05:00

I wonder why I am relaxed today? There's no reason for it. I have an unbelievable amount to do, I think.

There are preparations to be made for vbs, weddings, trips, school, baby showers, and who knows what else?

There are library books to be returned, dishes to be done, rooms to be cleaned, food to be bought, and calls to be returned.

Where it the pressure that's been looming all around me since summer began?

Maybe I've lost focus. Maybe I forgot to take my medicine. Maybe I got too much sleep last night. Maybe I'm in denial. Maybe I'm forgetting something.

It's unexplainable. It must be God.

Second Summer

2008-06-28T23:03:00.004-05:00

So the things I listed on my summer to-do list a few weeks ago are all crossed off, except for summer reading. I've only gotten halfway through the second one (though I added a book in the middle of that). But the summer has been so busy already that I am now preparing for what I'm going to call Second Summer. In sixteen days the rush of first summer will be over, and my Second Summer will begin. So here's the revised list:

Wake up in the morning and read.

Have scrambled eggs and toast for breakfast with the kids.

Go swimming on the spur of the moment.

Visit the library just for fun, without looking for school books.

Play outside until dark.

Go fishing with may dad.

Visit a used bookstore without needing to hurry.

Meet friends for lunch without planning ahead.

Walk around the neighborhood at dusk with my family.

Sit on the front porch reading while Chris plays guitar and the kids lie around just listening.

Tell the truth...

2008-06-19T17:56:00.004-05:00

I'm neglecting my blog, aren't I? You can tell me the truth, I don't mind. It's not that I don't have anything to write about. You know I always have more to say.

It's just that I don't want to be introspective right now, not in front of you anyway. Sitting down to write anything usually brings that out in me. I really can't help it.

So I'll just sit here eating momma's fudge pie (mmm...) and drinking my DDP while you wonder why on earth I even wrote this down.

But I get the rush of writing, even if it was nonsense.

The Dashing Dashwood Sisters

2008-06-06T00:48:00.004-05:00

Over the past few weeks I hinted at my Sunday night escapades with PBS' Masterpiece Theater. I was fortunate to see the first and third installments of the new Sense and Sensibility and loved it madly. Today, I indulged (with Chris' blessing) and bought it for myself. Now, having enjoyed all three hours in one sitting, I can reasonably say that it is better than the 90's version that I treasured before. You must, must, must see this, and I will happily watch it again and again with you. Good night!

...and day

2008-06-05T18:46:00.002-05:00

Today was better.

Today I took a shower.

Today I talked to a friend.

Today I laughed with my children.

Today I marked three things off my to-do list.

Today I bought tons of food at the grocery store.

Today I helped my husband by listening to him.

Tonight I am cooking tacos.

Tonight I remain calm.

Tonight I don't really need to cry.

Tonight I will tuck my children in to bed.

Tonight I will be a better wife and mother.
Tonight I feel normal.
Tonight I can breathe.

day and night

2008-06-04T19:40:00.002-05:00

Today I killed fifty-seven ants on the coffee table.

Today I threw away an insulated lunch bag with mold in it.

Today I found a dime in the kitchen sink.

Today I did not take a shower.

Today I filled an empty trash bag when I cleaned the living room.

Today I promised my family there would be food in the house by dinner time.

Tonight my family went out to dinner without me.

Tonight I will wash the dishes.

Tonight I will fold the laundry my husband washed.

Tonight I will regret not cleaning the hamster cage last week.

Tonight I will thank my husband again.

Tonight I will cry.

Tonight I will go to sleep.

Tonight I will forget about today.

Tomorrow might be better.

Old Friends, New Me

2008-05-30T17:30:00.005-05:00

How long has it been since you got in touch with a blast from the past? This week, two dear friends resurfaced via facebook. One found me, I found the other. These are girls I haven't talked to in 8 or 10 years. I immediately pictured them the way they were when I last saw them. One had a two year old son that Chris and I adored. She was my best friend in high school, though we were complete opposites (isn't that the way it goes?). The other was my big brother's high school girlfriend, but a few years later I was a bridesmaid in her wedding. She was a small town girl. And now, the two year old is thirteen, and my friend is working away in Alabama. The other small town friend is working on her dissertation and is moving to Maine! They changed! I don't know who they are any more, though I hope to find out.

Now I'm realizing that they are picturing me the way I was...innocent, naive as all get-out, and pretending to be happy all the time. But I've changed, too! They don't know who I am any more. How do you tell your rebel girlfriend (you know it's true:) that you finally rebelled, too? Will she pat you on the back? Or should you let her see the misery it brought you? How do you tell someone that you wore a mask all those years, that you ached every day? And do you thank her for distracting you all that time? How do you say "I miss you" when you never called or wrote? How do you move on with an old friend when the foundation of who you are is so totally different than before?

Maybe this is why we call them old friends; they know the old you. People today could never imagine how silly I was back then. They couldn't imagine that I never voiced an opinion that required thought. They definitely couldn't imagine that I was always "okay", taking care of everyone else. Now I am melancholy and serious. I am opinionated because I think non-stop. I am very rarely "okay". Right, new friends?

So, here's a whole new question: do they still want to know me and will they like what I've become?

Better yet, will I see them for who they are and still call them friend? I hope so, because if I won't, I haven't really come that far.

It's a Pirate, Hero, Army, Jedi Kind of Day

2008-05-27T10:27:00.004-05:00

It's musical costumes around here today.

I'm going to dress up like a Mom, Maid, Chef, and Chauffeur. Then I'll slip back into my alter-ego: a pajama wearing thirty-four year old who reads books while Andy Griffith plays on the TV.

(Shoot! I keep forgetting I'm only thirty-three! When did I start losing track of my age?!)

storm

2008-05-25T13:09:00.000-05:00

how long have I
been in this storm
so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
water's getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head

if I could just see you
everything will be alright
if I'd see you
the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and everything will be alright

I know you didn't
bring me out here to drown
so why am I 10 feet under and upside down
barely surviving has become my purpose
cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

if I could just see you
everything will be alright
if I see you
the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright

and I will walk on water
you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
I know everything is alright
everything's alright
-lifehouse

Our Buddy...

2008-05-24T18:33:00.004-05:00

Not only was today our summer yard sale, it was also our last visit with Stephen's best buddy Caid for a few weeks. He'll be in Florida with his dad for the next five weeks, probably sailing and baking cinnamon buns. We're used to seeing him (and Jennifer) a couple of times a week, so it's a big change for us!! These boys are the best of friends; they cackle and jump, then they snatch and yell. We've started placing bets on who will throw the first punch someday. Pretty much their only similarity is that they are (almost) seven year old boys. So they make an interesting pair, but they love each other. Jennifer and I imagined when they were born (10 days apart) that they would always be friends, and here we are seven years later and they really are!

Whatever role boys and their friends are supposed to play in each other's lives, these two have it!

Much Better...

2008-05-22T21:48:00.004-05:00

Well, we may not make it into then next issue of Real Simple, but it's done. We're letting go of about half of Stephen's stuff, and we are optimistic that the big boxes will work. Moving the bed makes his room look much bigger, and he finally has a nightstand for the first time in his life! We went a couple of streets over to buy a three drawer dresser that we found on craigslist. It ain't fancy, but then again neither are we!

I grew up in a home where my mom re-arranged the furniture in our rooms regularly. She'd clean everything out, move the bed, and do a little something to make it more special, like add a new poster or bedspread. To finish it off she'd put new sheets on the bed, turn on the bedside lamp, and fold back the covers. When I went to bed at the end of the day, I felt like a princess in a new castle. And I think I understand now that she intended it that way.

Now mom comes over to repeat this ritual with Jane every couple of months. They are a hoot, two organizational freaks who speak similar languages. I'll go in and see things I would never take the time to do in a nine year old's room like books being sorted into categories, pillows being meticulously arranged on the bed, and a list on the wall of a daily to do list for keeping a clean room.

But Jane doesn't get the final touch: the lamp and folded down bed. I like having that memory all to myself.

My mom had those subtle ways of making me feel genuinely special. They were a free gift from her heart. I hope and pray that I am creating some memories like that for my children, little things they can look back on that will be a beacon reminding them how dear that were to me.

Love you, Mom.

2008-05-21T18:01:00.004-05:00

Well, it's that time of year again. How is it that we accumulate enough stuff every year that we need to have annual yard sales? Well anyway, hopefully we'll make enough money to help pay for our trip to Florida in June.

Now many of you have been to my home for a baby shower, wedding shower, girls' night, Christmas party, or something like that. I always try to create a perfect environment for such events. But maybe you haven't noticed that our bedroom doors are always closed.

Here's one reason why: Stephen has almost no organizational skills, or at least he doesn't care to utilize them. His room really does look like tornado territory most of the time, with little land mines here and there. Strangely enough, he can find just about anything in there, and it really doesn't bother him to sleep in such a mess. Chris and I have decided to compromise a little and just put some big boxes in his room to put his stuff in, instead of micro-organizing into fifteen different categories. We'll see if that produces different results or not!

So here's a look at the current state of things. I had to pile everything up just so I could move his bed and take out the old dresser (it's going in the yard sale). I realize that he has a sinful number of toys, but in our defense do you know how many tiny pieces boy toys have? I'll post an "after" picture soon...hopefully.

FYI Our bedroom is only slightly cleaner than Stephen's, so never, ever open that door!!!

'lil Lily

2008-05-20T16:03:00.005-05:00

Here is the sweet little angel of our family, my niece Lily. We had the joy of babysitting Mason, Keegan, Judah, and Lily on Sunday. Chris had all the big kids outside (yes, sadly Judah qualifies as a big kid now), while I had precious inside. We have no baby toys at our house anymore, so I filled a couple of empty plastic bottles with rice and dry beans and gave her an empty plastic box and she played for an hour! When we got bored with that, we resorted to "where's Lily", which is my personal favorite. She whispers "daa, daa, daa" frequently and has learned how to wave goodbye. I'm also told she crawls, but since she had on a dress Sunday it was an impossible task. Now, I know I'm biased, but isn't that a gorgeous smile? She soothes the soul, at least mine anyway.

Whiz Kid

2008-05-20T15:53:00.003-05:00

As most of you know, we participated in our first year of tutorial this year. The difference between a tutorial and a co-op is that we are able to choose which classes we'd like our children to be in. This can be tough to find for elementary aged kids. Jane took geography and science this year and made lots of new friends. She REALLY took to geography and demanded that we quiz her regularly. Her class had a Geography Bee last week, and Jane tied for 1st place. I'm telling you, she knows things that I never learned or at least didn't retain after test time. We were really proud of her. Next year she will take Geography II, Drama, Choir, and Art.

She has also been reading the Little House books and started wearing her hair in braids. Jane never wants anything done to her hair, so it's been a lot of fun to get my hands on it at last. I even bought her a bonnet at our curriculum fair last week. After church on Sunday she ran straight to the car to put it on and show her friends in the parking lot. Chris and I decided that only homeschool kids do stuff like that with no shame. Others probably think it's odd (so do we, a little bit), but hey...she's happy!

Tigers Roar!

2008-05-20T15:47:00.003-05:00

Stephen's first year as a Tiger Scout ended with a lot of fun. These boys spent a good portion of their year running around and telling bad jokes, and they became great friends along the way. Next year he'll be a Wolf, which I think just means he wears yellow instead of orange :) Chris was awesome and took him every Monday night for the whole year. Stephen is beginning to let go of my apron strings and step out into the world of boys and men. I'm not entirely happy about that, but I am immensely proud.

Still here...

2008-05-08T09:56:00.003-05:00

Yes, I'm still here. Been way too busy, and pretending I'm too busy to sit down and write anything meaningful. The school year is winding down, which in homeschool world means you're planning for next year. All the best curriculum sales are happening now, so it feels like double duty for about three weeks.

Here's a list of things I'm looking forward to:

showing off my haircut: about three inches gone!
attending some workshops about creation, genesis, and dinosaurs
mother's day date with my mom
watching Jane bridge from a brownie to a junior
Stephen's summer haircut (he wants it very short, we'll have to come to some sort of compromise 'cause I'm not ready)
my dad's 71st birthday
seeing my brother and sister-in-law (it's been since Christmas)
going to Katie Jo's yard sale
reading my summer book list
going to see the Indiana Jones movie with Chris
visiting Adam and Lindy
taking the kids to Disney World
watching the kids swim independently all summer (whoo hoooooo!!)
grilling out with friends

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

2008-04-14T13:01:00.009-05:00

This year Jane had a karaoke party. She was quick to show off her new dance moves while singing "Who Let the Dogs Out". She and her buddies had a great time, though I think I'll wait a while to hear "YMCA" and that dog song again! She also got her first pet, a hamster. After four birthday parties, I think we're partied out until next year. Can't believe my baby girl is 9 years old!

Masterpiece Theater

2008-04-14T01:58:00.004-05:00

I've recently rediscovered Masterpiece Theater on PBS. Sadly, I've discovered it around midnight the last few Sundays. This may explain why I am blogging at 2:00 am. Tonight I enjoyed A Room With a View, which was very sweet. Wish me luck on going to sleep! Sweet dreams.

Random Self-Esteem Booster

2008-04-09T14:29:00.002-05:00

I just found out that I have twenty one positive feedbacks on eBay. Total strangers told me that I was a great customer, easy to deal with, and pay for things quickly. I'm not sure that being a good eBay shopper was one of my goals in life, but hey, I'll take it.

Blur

2008-04-07T22:22:00.006-05:00

Delirium has set in. Tomorrow I will blog, with pictures, about this precious day when my precious daughter turned nine. (I have never been more aware that nine is the number that precedes ten, which means double digits.) But tonight I am exhausted.

The day started rough as I was recovering from a visit to my mother-in-law's yesterday...no, not that!! I just mean she has a cat, to whom I am allergic. And the allergies hung around longer than usual this time. When Jane bounced her way into my bed at 8:15, I said a groggy "happy birthday" before passing out for another twenty minutes. Then as Chris came to deliver Krispy Kreme for breakfast (did you know eating a doughnut could help a loose tooth come out?), I frantically wrapped Jane's morning presents - all things needed for a hamster. Yes, friends. I have now paid money to bring a rodent into my home. The things we do for love.

After realizing the cage had a crack in it, we drove to Walmart to exchange it and meet up with my dad. Let me just say once again that I do have a wonderful father...this is just a fact worth repeating. We got the new cage, then I spent ten minutes with Stephen in the toy aisles so that he could get a treat. There were 20 different Transformers, but not the one he wanted. There were tons of Nerf guns, but he only wanted the $30 one. He informed me that he's "not that into" super heroes or ninja turtles anymore. Eventually, we brought home a random Star Wars action figure and a couple of dollar items. He was content, which is saying a lot.

Then we finally went to PetSmart and picked up the cutest cousin of a mouse we could find. We got him home, but he had to wait in his cardboard box for ages while dad and I fought with this plastic and metal cage and its million attachments. In the end, we taped them all together for fear that the thing would escape. I finally tried to scoop him up and deliver him to his new home. He didn't care for that, but instead of scratching or biting, he peed and pooped all over my hands. FYI: hamster pee oddly resembles butter from a squeeze bottle. With a little trickery we got him in the cage. After a couple of hours he managed to push the highest covering open, and when I followed the kids' screams to the living room he was just sitting there on the top of his mansion not knowing what to do next. I think he was too scared to move and was a little relieved when I put him back in the same way he came out. Our fingers are crossed as we are hoping this is the only prison break we'll experience.

We spent so much time watching the thing play that the afternoon wasted away and it was suddenly time for our fourth party in the last three days. I had run out of time to make cupcakes, so we scurried to Kroger's for store bought stuff and spaghetti ingredients. We managed to straighten the house and decorate for the party just before my family started trickling in. The party was much fun, though a little loud (Jane plus five boys). We had to move the poor hamster to the laundry room, he was so petrified. Everyone left when they noticed that our eyes were glazed over.

Now you would think that would be just about it for the day, but you would be wrong. It was so late, but the kids just had to have a bath. Stephen's feet were black, and Jane demanded to take a shower. After bath time got rolling I heard major crying from Stephen in the bathroom. At first I thought he was just having a sleepy meltdown, but when he didn't back down I went to check it out. Chris was trying to rinse his hair as fast as possible while Stephen yelled "I want it out! Get it out!" Chris ended my bewilderment by pointing to a tiny black dot a mere inches above Stephen's man parts. He had a tick. Ticks have been something of an urban legend among my kids and their cousins, so he was totally freaked out to think that all the blood would be drained from his body at any moment. He wanted to believe me when I said it would be okay, but I don't think my word was quite good enough this time. We got him to our bed, turned on Andy Griffith on the tv, and grabbed the tweezers. The sheriff distracted him just enough to keep his eyes off the tweezers. Thank goodness I got the thing, head and all, in one try. Even now, I am itching all over just thinking about it.

Now who do you know that could/would blog this much about one day's events? Just me. But I'm worn out, and this day is a bit of a blur now. By tomorrow when I won't remember most of it, I might get a giggle looking back at my stories about losing teeth, packing tape, squeeze butter, birthday parties, and ticks. Wouldn't you?

G'night.

You know there's a problem when...

2008-04-04T22:03:00.002-05:00

You've forgotten how the mop works...

I love the farmers, but...

2008-04-04T10:49:00.002-05:00

I woke this morning from a rather odd dream* to the redundant sound of rain again. I love the farmers, and we prayed for rain every single day of the drought last summer. I'm happy for the earth and all, but come on! Can we have a little break? (I wouldn't have survived if I was Noah's kid.) The walls are starting to close in.

Yesterday as we battled through multiplication again, I saw a light bulb come on over Jane's head. But instead of moving through quickly, she continued to drag her feet! When I asked her to explain she said, "It's raining outside, and there's really nothing else to do but school work." So her assignments spread out to a four and a half hour school day...and she didn't mind.

At this moment, the kids are playing CD's and coaching each other on their tumbling skills in the living room. I figured I should just let them get some energy out before gluing their backsides to the chair for a couple of hours. At least they're having fun!

As for me, I'm looking out the window at my bradford pear tree whose little white blossoms have been either blasted or blown off by the rain. Well, I'll not be blasted or blown off by one too many rainy days. The last couple of weeks have been pretty good for me, and I know I can hold out for Sunday when we'll have blue skies and a warm breeze again.

*our neighbor's (who is never home) sister (who knows if he has one) was burning down all our beautiful blooming bushes (we have none) because she thought we had the perfect life since we have such a cool car (not) and house (neither belong to us) and lots of great friends (true). Turns out she'd had an encounter with the devil.

April Fool's!!!!

2008-04-01T21:47:00.004-05:00

And you thought I wouldn't do it!! Thanks to my rebel friends out there (I think I know who you are :) for voting for the black fingernails. I actually went a little soft and did a color called Smoke Signals. For those of you who voted no, sorry to disappoint you. I thought I would just paint my nails and take a picture, but I'm kind of diggin' it! I like to keep some room in my life to go against my mother/housewife persona. So three cheers for all who took the time to vote Thanks!!

(Thank goodness the polish only cost $1.67...just in case I change my mind.)

Happy Cups...

2008-03-25T16:09:00.003-05:00

If you are a boy, you will not understand this.

Shopping for birthday gifts is a delight. I love it, even when I don't know what I am looking for. Walking through the aisles thinking, "Hmmm. Maybe that's it. No, too practical. What's something she wouldn't buy for herself? Oooh, that's pretty!" For weeks now I've frequented Target looking for that special something for that special someone (spring is birthday season in my world). And for weeks, there they've been...these little rays of sunshine reminding me that spring was truly coming: the happy cups. They are floral and pastel, but mature and mildly elegant. They would make any mother feel special in the middle of tears, germs, and dirty laundry. So I did it. Spring melted my spending freeze and I purchased four happy cups today, one of each color so when I share them with my girlfriends we won't forget whose is whose. So happy spring.

A Good Friday

2008-03-21T15:41:00.003-05:00

Nothin' like the ice cream truck to end Spring Break! Here's Stephen with buddy Caid devouring their favorite superhero. This was after meeting up with four families at the Nashville Zoo. The Lord has given us a sweet Good Friday together. I pray that you are experiencing the kindness of God today.

Carnations

2008-03-13T17:51:00.005-05:00

Two words…mini carnations. Oh, and one more…white. After I spent the morning hours arranging and selling gorgeous, full, colorful roses and bright gerber daisies, this is what my husband hands to me on Valentine’s Day. He asks, “Aren’t they pretty?” Then he sees the word “carnations” on the package and says, “Oh, man! I though they were mini roses!” I smile and say thanks, and I really mean it. The idea of flowers is almost good enough for me, and I know he would not have bought carnations on purpose. I do the only thing I can do with those long, straight stems: whack the bottoms off and stick them in a cylinder vase. And there they stand like petrified pole beans with a white-haired crew cut, because the petals have not even started to open. He kindly mentions that they will last for several days and will be very pretty when they do open. And he’s sort of right.

Later in the evening, after we drag ourselves out on a date, we acknowledge the facts that we are deliriously tired and have no idea what we want to do. As we pull in the parking lot of the mall he says, “I’m sorry I’m not more romantic.”

“Honey, I’m wearing sweat pants here!”

“You are?”

“Yep. I think I’ll be okay if you just crank out a good Valentine’s day every three or four years. But I gotta say something about the flowers.”

Of course I do, because I never just leave things alone.

“What?!”

“Sweetie, if you’re gonna buy flowers, you gotta learn a few things about them first. Carnations are an accent flower, not a main flower.”

“What?” I can see that I’ve just spoken in a foreign language and need to rephrase.

“In arrangements you have a main flower, like roses or hydrangeas or lilies. The other flowers are just there to show off the main flower. Carnations are like a backdrop, not the star of the show.”

“Okay.”

“But thanks anyway. I was surprised that you even had time to pick them up! And there’s no telling what they cost on Valentine’s Day.”

That was four weeks ago. After two weeks my petrified pole beans loosened up a little, and their crew cuts transformed into frilly bonnets. And they ran their course until today, defeating every other flower I can think of in the battle of longevity.

And they were given to me by the man who has blossomed from the skinny bean he was sixteen years ago to a relaxed late bloomer who stands every test I throw his way. I love him.

Spring

2008-03-12T17:11:00.005-05:00

I heard you knock at the door this morning
I wasn't sure you would come
You've hurt me with your brief appearances before
Your promises meant nothing to me
I thought I would never see you again
Is it really you
Are you going to stay
Can I count on you to make the days brighter
And the nights calmer
You won't stay forever
You never do
But I'll take you for now
And receive all you offer to me

My List...

2008-03-10T21:45:00.002-05:00

I was just re-reading my profile. It says that I'm keeping a blog to help me remember other things I like to do, outside of my daily responsibilities (which I love, of course). So, here goes...
A couple of years ago, with the encouragement of my counselor, I made a list of ideas I love. Things I like to see, want to do, daydream about, whatever. I'm giving you the full list here. Don't laugh too much...

Have a big flower garden
Visit Africa
Run a book shop
Write/publish something
Have a long, gray braid
Take long walks
See Walden Pond
Find the missing books from my antique collections
Learn to take good photographs
Learn to sew, maybe make my own clothes
Live near a creek
Have a porch swing
Climb a tree
Sing with my family, outside, at night
Fall in love again, over and over, with Chris
Have another wedding, with Chris
Meet friends for lunch regularly
Keep a list of books I've read

Finally!!!!

2008-03-08T10:17:00.002-06:00

Well, what do you know? Real snow! I'm telling you, when I was a kid we got
this at least four times every winter, and it usually lasted a few days.
We finally earned our hot chocolate this time!

Here's our expert snow angel. As usual, Jane loves to be over-prepared,
so here she is with those ski goggles again.

I don't think she remembers snow like this. She stopped every few minutes
to lay down and enjoy it, though she paid the price when we pulled
gobs of snow out of her hair when she came inside.

Stephen's big game was diving into the snow like he was in battle,
screaming "aghhhh!" then rolling until he "died". If he happened
to eat some snow along the way, no problem!

Need I say more?

2008-03-06T09:01:00.004-06:00

Well, the much anticipated yet ill-prepared for science fair has passed. We worked for four or five hours on Monday to crank out two of the nicest projects I've seen. The best part is that they truly were the kids' ideas and that they did so much of the work themselves. It was tough to walk around and congratulate their friends who received prizes, but I think the Lord helped the kids to actually feel happy for them. They are also highly motivated to do well next year. Stephen was elated that he received a ribbon for participating, stating that this was his "first time to ever get anything like it!" While I'm relieved that it is over, I still feel bad for waiting until the last minute. But after seeing some of the other projects, I did feel proud to see that my children actually did their own work, not Chris or me. Anyway, here are a couple of photos. Click on them to see their projects up close. (That's Stephen's science teacher with him.)

smart boy

2008-03-05T10:06:00.003-06:00

2/26/08 10:29PM

Stephen: Mom, you know why I say you’re the best mom ever?

Me: Why?

S: Because you teach me things other kids don’t get teached.

M: Aww. Like what?

S: Like I am so ahead on reading. And I’m learning minuses.

M: Are you proud of yourself?

S: Yep.

M: Feels good doesn’t it?

S: It feels great!

Sunday, Sunday (la, la, la, la, la)

2008-03-02T14:17:00.002-06:00

Feeling better. Prayer was sweet this morning. If only the weather could stay like this for, I don't know, maybe a year or two? It's 71 degrees, but snow is in the forecast for Friday. Nashville weather is about as unpredictable as I am. But today is a beautiful day!

Ummm...

2008-03-01T17:10:00.003-06:00

I really don't even know what to say today. These past few days have been, well, difficult.

You know, if you read my first post, I really did warn you that this blog might be a little wacky. In conversation today I admitted that I might be a little too open when writing here. But it feels like I'm writing to no one. Besides, I can't see you reading. And my friends are kind enough not to make a lot of comments in person. So I just feel really free to do this as a release for myself. If it freaks you out to see me flip from depression to to-do lists, well, I don't know what to tell you.

Anyway, out of the nowhere these last couple of weeks I have had major mood swings. If you don't know about this part of my life...well , I would find that hard to believe. So I crashed: fatigue, tons of sleep, no housework, partial schooling, lots of tv, plenty of ice cream...and then the really ugly stuff that no one gets to see, like the black hole that you know is out there but you haven't seen up close. And I got scared.

We, my family and I, are tired of our lives being affected by these "issues". We just want to have a day here and there when we are happy-go-lucky. I am tired of monitoring my health, being my own counselor and doctor. I am sick of adjusting my meds every three months. And my poor husband...I can't say enough about him. I really can't even start.

But, I am on the upswing, I suppose. Adjusted the meds again yesterday, and after bouncing off the walls for a couple of hours I was breathing freely again. No chest pain, no sensitivity to light and sound, and (praise God) refreshed patience for my active children. I was even able to give Chris the night to himself.

The first three days after a medicine increase are usually great. Lots of energy and a little on the giggly side. We just never know about the days that follow. I'm going to move forward with the assumption that there will be some continuing progress. I'm too worn out to have any perspective on what happened to cause this downfall. Maybe it was the crazy busy schedule a couple of weeks ago, or the ski trip when Jane got lost for twenty minutes, or the inadequacy I felt after bible study Monday, or the movie I cried through, or the haunting dreams reminding me of past sin. Who knows?!

Maybe I'll have something light hearted to write about tomorrow...

To-Do List

2008-02-26T16:40:00.003-06:00

Help kids narrow down science fair ideas.
(We've known about this since September, now the fair is next Tuesday and we have not even started)
Put away nativity scene.
(It's the only Christmas decor left out, and though we sometimes leave it out on purpose, this was not one of those years.)
Walk on the treadmill tomorrow for 30 minutes.
(I'm so tempted to skip it...maybe I will...but I really need to move around...we'll see)
See movie with Jennifer tomorrow afternoon.
(Which is such a fluke! Do I really get to see a friend in the middle of the afternoon in the middle of the week??)
Community Group
(Don't think I've been in two or three weeks)
Plan badge work for Girl Scouts on Thursday.
(Also known about this since September, but when did we suddenly get to the end of February??)
Call Katie Jo to wish her a happy birthday.
(For I think the 13th time?? I love old friends.)
Finish cookie delivery.
(And shout for joy until January of '09 when the party starts again!)
Pay for cookies.
(Did I count all the money right and exactly how many boxes did our family eat?)
Work final cookie booth sale.
(Thank goodness it's with the Millers, it will be like a girl party!)
Prepare for next week's Bible study.
(Read four other books in preparation for discussion on the Holy Spirit.)
Say goodbye to February and hello to March.
(And watch the days of 2008 slip away...)

2008-02-24T22:13:00.002-06:00

If God is for us, who can be against us?

ache

2008-02-23T18:28:00.004-06:00

The ache is back. I know, I just know it won't be there in the morning. But it's here now, and it hurts. I asked Chris, "What do you do when you feel this?", and I pushed my fist into his chest...hard.
He said, "I don't feel that way."
"Really? 'Cause sometimes you look like you do."
"No, it's not like that. Everything just kind of spreads out, flat."

I don't know what that's like. Heartache has always been just that...heart ache. How do you get up, move, speak, breathe when you hurt in the core area of your body? And how do I cook, clean, love, and live while I'm just trying to be still?

Those questions only increase the pain. The guilt, the shame, the fury of it all take me deeper and deeper. The chaos spins in my head. My vision is too rapid. My thoughts are racing beyond measure. I have a yell in my chest that would go on forever if I dared to let it rise. I feel like I will explode from the pressure and fly into a million tiny pieces.

I close my eyes and try to make the world disappear. No noise, no light, no sensations. If I can stay this way long enough I'll eventually catch my breath. Then it will begin to fade...first the rapid thoughts, then a little pain, then a little chaos. The vision takes longer. As I open my eyes, the light hurts. I want whispers at first, then slowly my senses stabilize. The chaos flatlines, and my mind is numb. The ache will not stop until sleep comes, which can take minutes or hours.

I know, I just know it won't be there in the morning.

The road goes on and on...

Disclamers #2 and #3

2008-02-22T21:48:00.002-06:00

It wasn't my intention to write so much about the kids, but they're an easy subject. A) I love them B) They are entertaining, to say the least, and C) I spend most of my life with them.

But the hope was that this would be a place for me to express some other parts of my life, which is clear if you've read earlier posts. But do you ever feel afraid to tap into those other parts? Like you don't have the energy to open the door to who you are? That's been me lately, and though I miss writing about more, sometimes it's just easier to smile and say "this is my life and that's all there is".

I should make more disclaimers here...

First, I hope no one ever hears me saying that I am dissatisfied with motherhood. It's what I waited for my whole life. I choose to spend as many hours as possible with my children because I want to and I love them. But I have plenty of opportunities to observe life with them and talk to other people about them. This is just the place I can be sarcastic and mildly rebellious about this little life of mine. So I really do appreciate every moment with my family, but I know that they are not all that I am.

Second, I know that I don't use a lot of words about God in these posts. But that does not mean that I am in any way setting Him aside. He is woven into every heartbeat of mine as I write. I couldn't think anything without His prompting, and He keeps giving me a lot to think about. If you want to see scripture then seek it out, but I see the spirit of Psalms in my open expression about the circumstances of life. I believe that He has put about a million words into my mind just today, and that they are there for a reason. So I'm going to keep writing what He lets me. I love the Lord, He hears me and sustains me. He has, He does, and He will. So while I complain and ponder and hurt, He gives me conviction and understanding and strength. So the mess of my life serves only to show what kind of God He is, because I am still here and sometimes going strong.

Note to Self

2008-02-22T13:48:00.002-06:00

Never, ever serve popcorn as a snack while the children are doing their math. Why? Because suddenly a ten minute assignment becomes a fifty minute mouth party.

Look Mom, no poles!!!

2008-02-21T13:50:00.007-06:00

Our Girl Scout troop went snow skiing this week at Cataloochee in Maggie Valley, NC. Jane left her fears at home and weathered ten zillion snow machines blowing in her face before mastering the bunny slopes, ski lift, and the green slope. I was the keeper of shoes and day packs, armed with first aid and cameras. Nobody knows how to have fun like a bunch of cold and delirious girls. It was truly great!